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Tweaking versus twerking.

edited January 2017 in Writing
As I am

A) male
B) 48 years old
C) white
D) British
E) have somewhat rickety knees

my attempts at twerking - as I believe the popular "grinding" style of dancing is referred to - were unsuccessful. So, rather less painfully, for my knees and anyone watching, I did some tweaking of my part written story, "The Kerning", instead.

Anyone interested in seeing what tweaking, not twerking, looks like may wish to mosey on over to my little spot of the web.

https://themoustachioedreader.wordpress.com/2017/01/29/chapter-4-2/

Regards
Gavin

Comments

  • Enjoyed your story Gavin.
  • Enjoyed your story Gavin.
    Thank you, Wilts. I am pleased that you did. It is actually a chapter from a book I am attempting to write. At which point in the story - beginning, middle or end - I am, as yet, unsure.
  • Good luck with book.
  • As a follow up to posting the above chapter on my blog I thought that you may be interested in seeing the one (1….) comment left regarding it.

    "Not too bad at all, looking forward to more. PS what took you so long?"

    Thanks Mum!

    G
  • I read that!
  • Parents, eh?
  • Kramer, you've got a good story there. We see Lister as a man who started out with painstaking attention to detail, which he has carried into his other life, just as he moves from the colourful interior into the darkening street. Better yet, you have the image of the colour that was so clear, if faulty, in his judgement, blurring under the rain.

    Would you mind a bit of editorial comment?

    'But, more than the promise of, not only good coffee' - you don't need either comma here, but especially not the one after 'of'

    You have 'sign-writer's' but 'sign writer' - be consistent

    You have 'hand' in one form or another 6 times in 11 lines. You could avoid this kind of repetition (and you do like to hang onto a word or phrase once you've got it!) if you read your work out loud.

    'Small butterflies rose from her behind her white socks' - is this intentional?

    'The kerning, however, was poorly executed. The spacing between many of the letters was too great making each letter appear disconnected from the other and disrupting the flow of the words. The artist should have taken greater care with the kerning, they should have paid more attention to adjusting the subtle space between the letters.' - repetitious. Is this a character trait, or a mistake?

    The artist...they should have...his brushes - which is it?

    Hope this helps.



  • Enjoyed that, Kramer. Great title, and I liked where it was going.
    American, eh? I was wondering where I could get free refills like that.

    (When you edit, you need to turn the first apostrophe at 'BEST COFFEE...')

    I got right to the end, but, disappointingly, no twerking video.
  • Kramer, you've got a good story there. We see Lister as a man who started out with painstaking attention to detail, which he has carried into his other life, just as he moves from the colourful interior into the darkening street. Better yet, you have the image of the colour that was so clear, if faulty, in his judgement, blurring under the rain.

    Would you mind a bit of editorial comment?

    'But, more than the promise of, not only good coffee' - you don't need either comma here, but especially not the one after 'of'

    You have 'sign-writer's' but 'sign writer' - be consistent

    You have 'hand' in one form or another 6 times in 11 lines. You could avoid this kind of repetition (and you do like to hang onto a word or phrase once you've got it!) if you read your work out loud.

    'Small butterflies rose from her behind her white socks' - is this intentional?

    'The kerning, however, was poorly executed. The spacing between many of the letters was too great making each letter appear disconnected from the other and disrupting the flow of the words. The artist should have taken greater care with the kerning, they should have paid more attention to adjusting the subtle space between the letters.' - repetitious. Is this a character trait, or a mistake?

    The artist...they should have...his brushes - which is it?

    Hope this helps.



    It certainly does, Mrs B. And thank you for reading it and ailing the time to respond with your comments. I will certainly reread it again and look to make the suggested alterations - I must admit that my grammar is not the best and I have not really written anything since leaving school.
    Ta!

    G
  • edited January 2017


    I got right to the end, but, disappointingly, no twerking video.

    Don't be disappointed!


  • 'But, more than the promise of, not only good coffee' - you don't need either comma here, but especially not the one after 'of' ***AMENDED***

    You have 'sign-writer's' but 'sign writer' - be consistent ***AMENDED***

    You have 'hand' in one form or another 6 times in 11 lines. You could avoid this kind of repetition (and you do like to hang onto a word or phrase once you've got it!) if you read your work out loud. ***WORKING ON***

    'Small butterflies rose from her behind her white socks' - is this intentional? ***NOPE! ERROR ON MY PART....AMENDED***

    'The kerning, however, was poorly executed. The spacing between many of the letters was too great making each letter appear disconnected from the other and disrupting the flow of the words. The artist should have taken greater care with the kerning, they should have paid more attention to adjusting the subtle space between the letters.' - repetitious. Is this a character trait, or a mistake? ***I AM UNSURE!.....READING IT BACK AMD DECIDING***

    The artist...they should have...his brushes - which is it? ***HE...AMENDED***

    Hope this helps. ***SURE DOES



    :) :)
  • Mrs Bear has sent you the bill by carrier pigeon.
  • Oh...so that's what the dog was chewing.
  • The pigeon? Noooooo!!!!
  • Not Percy, the trusty TB pigeon, who has served us this many a year?

    animated-pigeon-image-0006

  • My carrier pigeon is yellow and says La Poste on his side. So it can't be mine that the dog ate. He probably stopped for a three-course lunch, though, so he'll be a bit late.
  • Phew! That is a relief.

    But it does beg the question of whose pigeon was it?
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