Blurb for my crime novel - input appreciated

Mutley

I'm trying to write the blurb for my crime novel which comes out next month. Please can you see what you think of this? 1) would you want to read the book? 2) how can I improve it?

‘Time to Death 36 Days’. The time is ticking on the electronic organiser when York based driving instructor Steve Daniels opens the box.
Connor Bancroft, freelance reporter and private investigator is fighting for his right to see his eight year old son, Mikey, when he is asked to investigate. As Connor uncovers a series of murders in which the murderer always leaves a ‘Lifetracer’ with the victim, he, his dog, Tammy and Mikey, are unwittingly drawn into a complex story of revenge.
As the web of intrigue tightens and Mikey disappears, even with the help of girlfriend Maggie, Connor is no closer to finding out –‘Who is ‘The Lifetracer’?’

pbw

York-based driving instructor Steve Daniels opens the box: 'Time to Death 36 Days', says the message on the electronic organiser.
Connor Bancroft, freelance reporter and PI, curses when the call for help comes in. He'll have to cancel yet another attempt to see his eight-year-old son Mikey.
Connor uncovers a series of murders, but cannot make any progress in finding the killer. The only clue is the 'Lifetracer' left with each victim, but when Mikey disappears, Connor knows he must be getting near.
Can he stop the murderer before Mikey and Daniels become the killer's next victims?

Lizy

In my opinion this is not clear enough.
1. I had to read it twice to work out what Connor is asked to investigate.
2. As Mikey disappears in the 3rd sentence it is unnecessary to mention him in the second one.
3. Is the electronic organiser the life tracer? I am confused.

As my teacher used to say - "Needs more work."

Baggy Books

I like pbw's version.


[quote=Mutley]–‘Who is ‘The Lifetracer’?’[/quote]

Punctuation in the original version isn't easy on the eye.

Tiny Nell

I've just copied and pasted your blurb, Mutley, in a bid to rewrite it, but I realise I don't fully understand it.

These are my thoughts. Feel free to disregard them if you disagree:

~I don't think it's clear in the first line if the 'electronic organiser' and 'the box' are one and the same thing.

~I'm not interested at this point in the fact that Steve is from York or is a driving instructor. I think it might be more punchy without those details.

~I think the second sentence in which Connor is mentioned is too unwieldy. Is his dog called Tammy or is that a woman? If it's the dog, I would write 'his dog, Tammy, and Mikey', [i.e. an extra comma needed] but, again, I don't think you need this detail in the blurb.

~In the penultimate sentence the 'Lifetracer' is a thing. In the final sentence it seems to be a person.

It looks intriguing, but just isn't clear enough to draw me in.

Carol

Agree about the confusion.

‘Time to Death 36 Days’

When driving instructor Steve receives a death threat via an electronic organiser, he calls troubled freelance reporter and private investigator, Connor Bancroft for help.

Connor's investigation begins to uncover a series of murders, at which the killer has always left a marker-the ‘Lifetracer’, and it's not long before eight year-old Mikey Bancroft disappears.

As Connor and his girlfriend, Maggie are unwittingly drawn into a tightening web of intrigue, a complex story of revenge begins to emerge.

Can Connor find Mikey before he becomes the next victim?

And who is 'The Lifetracer'?

Melina

Blurbs should entice but never give too much away. They also need to be concise and not ramble with unnecessary information. Treat them like an opening chapter - get straight to the point. Open with a lure and end with a catch.

The section about Connor fighting to see is son seems irrelevant - this is a subplot and should be kept for the reader once into they are into the story. Mentioning the dog is unnecessary and makes the sentence clunky. And part of the sentence; 'he, his dog, Tammy and Mikey, are unwittingly drawn into a complex story of revenge' is cumbersome and needs to be clearer.

Avoid asking pointless questions in blurb. Tell the reader what they need to know, don't ask them.

Although I don't know what the story entails, try this:-

Time to Death - 36 Days.

The time is ticking on the electronic organiser when Steve Daniels opens it. He calls freelance reporter and private investigator, Connor Bancroft, to investigate.

Connor uncovers a series of murders whereby the murderer always leaves a mysterious ‘Lifetracer’ with the victim, and with only 36 days to prevent Steve Daniels' death, the complex web of intrigue tightens, and Connor, his girlfriend Maggie and his son Mikey are unwittingly drawn into a dangerous situation that threatens them all.

So when Mikey disappears, everything changes. Connor must find out who ‘the Lifetracer’ is and prevent another murder – his son.


Okay, I realise that might not be the plot, but you get the drift.

Phots Moll

I found it confusing.

Who is Tammy? I suggest you leave her, the dog and Maggie out.

Mutley

This is brilliant - thank you all and confirms my suspicions. I started by picking up a Lee Child novel off the shelf and looked at the format of the blurb. I thought some of the stuff irrelevant but wondered whether as that was what he'd done it might be what the reader wanted - now I know it isn't. Thank you. I will rewrite later and probably go back to my more succinct version.

Phots Moll

I think because your idea is so different (which is good) you need a simple blurb. If it was a more standard murder mystery then you'd probably need extra details to make it stand out.

danfango

To me, the main problem with the blurb as it stands is that it's not clear whose story it is. Opening with the driving instructor suggests the story is about him, but as you don't mention him again I'm guessing Connor is actually your protagonist. I'd keep the focus on him, right from the start.

I think you could get away with asking questions, a lot of crime and thriller blurbs do, but maybe just leave it at "Who is The Lifetracer?" - which could be your opening line.

To be honest, I would leave the "Time to death: 36 Days" out of the blurb. It's fine in the story, but on the cover of a thriller (if that's the market you're aiming for) it does sound like a long time. Emphasise the countdown, the fact that the seconds are ticking away, but don't tell people it starts with more than a month on the clock.

Also, "web of intrigue" is an overused clich

Mutley

version 2

When Connor Bancroft is asked to investigate a death threat, sent on an electronic organiser, he is unwittingly drawn into a complex story of revenge. He uncovers a series of murders, apparently linked only by gadget left with the victim.
Connor is more used to dealing with infidelity than murder and is nowhere close to solving the crimes. Now, his eight year old son, Mikey’s life is in danger and Connor is working against the clock to find out –
Who is The Lifetracer?

Phots Moll

Much better.

by gadget - by the gadget?

'working against the clock' is a bit of a cliche. I see it's particularly appropriate for this but that's not obvious to those just reading the blurb.

how about adding something like '...sent on an electronic organiser... with an automatic countdown to time of death ... he is unwittingly ...'

'...working against the clock... as it ticks down...'

Lah-tay

I can only echo what others have said, especially Melina in her first paragraph. The bit about Bancroft fighting to see his son is unnecessary here. A blurb should be short and snappy. Sounds an intriguing idea, though.

delvey

One thought from a young'un - when is this set?

Does anyone own or use an electronic organiser any more? Surely he would use his phone?

Mutley

It's actually a device bought now as a gadget to record birthdays etc. Completely useless unless you like silly gadgets :)

Mrs Bear

When P.I. (Private Detective in the UK) Connor Bancroft is asked to investigate a death threat, he soon finds himself way out of his depth. Revenge, murder and the disappearance of his own son set him racing against the electronic clock that is the trademark of the killer who calls himself The Lifetracer.

Baggy Books

[quote=delvey]electronic organiser[/quote]

I used to have one. It was like a combined address book and diary.


[quote=delvey]Surely he would use his phone?[/quote]

Yep.

Carol

Makes the assumption that he has the latest technology, not everyone does.

neil

I think a driving instructor (today) would have a phone - even one based in York :). And 'electronic organiser' is a very cumbersome, even anoraky, sounding bit of kit (today).

dora

Even primary school children have phones these days (not mine I hasten to add)

dora

[quote=neil] even one based in York [/quote]

Lol

neil

Apologies to Mutley, the driving instructor - and York, as I don't think the said gadget belongs to the driving instructor at all.

Mutley

I think I need to change the wording of electronic organise as it isn't explaining it very well - it is based on a gadget which was selling a lot at the time of the book (2 years ago). Trust me it isn't what you are thinking and it doesn't hold addresses. It is a novelty gift - totally useless (you are right)but still something that was selling well. I need words to explain it. I'll think about it but electronic organiser although an accurate description conjures up the wrong image - it's more a countdown clock with multiple count down facilities.

Baggy Books

Have a look at the Garmin products - my 'watch' does a lot more than most people consider a watch does - they can even become heart monitors.

I can track my running routes and download them - create maps etc.

Counts up, counts down, bleeps at set speeds or distances.

Their wording might give you some ideas. They're hardly cutting edge - been around for years - but they are 'technical'.

pbw

[quote=Mutley]When Connor Bancroft is asked to investigate a death threat, sent on an electronic organiser, he is unwittingly drawn into a complex story of revenge.[/quote]

Think about rhythm. You want your sentences to be punchy and have a beat. Ditch commas wherever you can. Just sayin'... but I always think a blurb needs to be a "slap in the face" moment' an "omg I gotta read this moment." Think about how much terror you can inspire. I wouldn't worry too much about the gadget itself; that will become clear in the narrative, so find a metaphor "screen" or restrict it to "countdown clock".

The clock was counting down. With every tick, death approached. Can Connor Bancroft find the "The LifeTracer" before time runs out?

You get the drift.

Phots Moll

So it's a novelty electronic device?

Mutley

version 3 :)

When Connor Bancroft is asked to investigate a death threat, sent on a countdown clock, he is unwittingly drawn into a complex story of revenge. He uncovers a series of murders, apparently linked only by the clock left with the victim.
Connor is more used to dealing with infidelity than murder and is nowhere close to solving the crimes. Now, his eight year old son, Mikey’s life is in danger and Connor has little time left to find out –
Who is The Lifetracer?

datco2014

As an aside it would be good to get an opening line that really grabs you something like - in 36 days you will be dead - or even better - in 36 days you're dead, better still - in 6 days you're dead.

That alone would get me intrigued - is it a threat? Is it a terminal illness is it something even more sinister -also might just grab the attention of that elusive agent/ publisher - just a thought

Mutley

The opening line is actually 'Who wouldn’t want to investigate a death threat if they were given the opportunity?'

Zachary

It is generally advisable to write complex sentences. Some elements related to the author can be formulated, provided they illuminate the reading of the text in question. At the beginning of the introduction of the comment made ​​, do not omit the introduction. The plan, meanwhile, must be stated clearly and elegantly at the end of the introduction.

The components of the introduction of the compound comment:

Introduction.
Location of the work: it is to situate the text in context. They illuminate the text, biographical reminders may be mentioned (provided also that they are accurate). The historical context and / or aesthetics can also be mentioned.
Presentation and reading axes plan announced. The announcement of the plan should be done elegantly and logically axes reading you presented. The example below shows some awkwardness:
In the first part, I will show how time allows the poet to be happy. We will study all elements evoking the happiness of the poet. And, in a second part, we will highlight the out of harmony What caused the death of the wife of the poet.

Instead, the example below is more clear and clever:

Time seemed to make the happy poet, but the death of his girlfriend has broken the harmony of the couple, and the poet now finds itself alone.

Reference:http://www.youressayprovider.com/service/custom-assignment-writing/

Baggy Books

Did the poet eat spam, perchance?

Claudia

Did the poet eat spam, perchance?

Indubitably!
%-(

Mrs Bear

Spam and chips? Spam fritters? Spam casserole with parsley dumplings?

Lizy

Spam obviously causes verbal diarrhea.