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Edited thread title: a different poetry question at the end. Scroll down, my lovelies...

Tiny NellTiny Nell
edited September 2014 in Writing
THIS IS NO LONGER THE DISCUSSION. I AM SAVING SPACE BY ASKING ANOTHER QUESTION ABOUT A DIFFERENT POEM AT THE END!

I'll paste this in for now, then take it away later.This is a verse from a poem about a wicked old witchy lady. My question is about the word 'whipped'. It started off as 'whip' then I changed it to 'whipped'. I'm beginning to think I was right first time, but the more I look, the more confused I get. I suppose either tense works?

Edited to say:

It's gone. Missed your chance.

Comments

  • heatherheather
    whip
  • snailmalesnailmale
    whip

  • MarkHempshellMarkHempshell
    whip, and how about 'did' instead of 'would'?
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    You lot are fab, you know! 8->
  • LizyLizy
    edited September 2014
    Definitely whip
    think of the whole sentence "She'd let out a screech and whip them - "
    then remove "let out a screech and" and it becomes clear.
  • LizyLizy
    or "until they'd all wail"
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Ah, yes. Didn't like that 'would' very much!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    I've had the proof through for the paperback version of my children's poetry book - A Mouthful of Chuckles (a much improved version - I hope - to the ebook which I shall soon remove from circulation). I haven't approved it yet as I keep seeing more things to change. I want to get it right as it's been a very long time in the making.

    So, in the words of Arnie: 'I'll (probably) be back...'
  • snailmalesnailmale
    All this whipping is unsettling.
    *breathes heavily*
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Yes, of late I seem to have picked out a few 'rum' lines for sharing!
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    Flogged?
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    I'm definitely flagging...

  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited September 2014
    I can't edit the thread title.
    Edited to say: I just have. Whoopee!

    Anyway, back to business. I have too many syllables in the last line. Any ideas...?

    Edited to say:
    It's gone now.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited September 2014
    Got it. Or have I?

    Edited to say:
    So has this.


    Does that work? You have to draw out 'geometry' into geomet-ary...
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    edited September 2014
    :)
  • WebboWebbo
    edited September 2014
    would trigonometry scan better? Rather than shorten the last line, lengthen the second?
  • heatherheather
    or mathematics
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited September 2014
    I think trigonometry is a bit tooooooo long, Webbo.

    I'm not sure the stress is in the right place in mathematics, heather.

    It's got to be something to do with measuring. I could fit a monosyllabic word into the geometry line, but what?
  • heatherheather
    mathematics works for me rhythmically
    may be more obvious if you move the 'in' to the end of the first line (just to check, then move it back)

    de da de da de da de da (miss price quite lost her patience in)
    de da de da de da (a mathematics test)
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    What heather said.
    I've just tried to write it in dis and das, but it's making me go doolally.
  • LizLiz
    Mathematics is best. It's stressed fine.
  • LizyLizy
    an algebra exam?

    a calculus exam?
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Oh, yes.

    I was reading mathematics as math/matics first time round. In the meantime, I changed it to:
    A geometry class test.

    So now it's a toss up between that and
    A mathematics test.

    They both sound OK.

    Thanks, everyone!
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