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Need to learn how to write good dialogue
I have always struggled writing dialogue which adds something to what I am writing rather than making it sound unnatural and forced. Could anyone show me how I could expand the talking described in the passage below into some engaging dialogue which makes it more enjoyable to read ?
"It was a drizzly day and I was in my friend Eddies garden. His parents were out and there was a small bonfire his dad had created waiting to be lit. We decided to light it, but it was damp and wasn't catching. I spotted a petrol can in the garage and suggested we tried using that. Eddy liked the idea and began liberally pouring it onto the pile of wood. A small flame was hiding somewhere in the center from our earlier attempts, and it caught on the petrol. A huge flame several meters high roared out of the lid of the can into the air. Eddy dropped it, leaping back, and we stood and watched the towering inferno in awe for a few seconds. Just at that moment, his parents rolled up on the driveway in their car, jumping out in a panic. I was terrified of what his Mum was going to say to me, so I quickly got on my bike and politely said goodbye to her. She gave me an equally polite goodbye, as if nothing had happened, and I rode off, glancing back once at the huge flame roaring away behind me."
Thanks in advance for any help.
Tim.
"It was a drizzly day and I was in my friend Eddies garden. His parents were out and there was a small bonfire his dad had created waiting to be lit. We decided to light it, but it was damp and wasn't catching. I spotted a petrol can in the garage and suggested we tried using that. Eddy liked the idea and began liberally pouring it onto the pile of wood. A small flame was hiding somewhere in the center from our earlier attempts, and it caught on the petrol. A huge flame several meters high roared out of the lid of the can into the air. Eddy dropped it, leaping back, and we stood and watched the towering inferno in awe for a few seconds. Just at that moment, his parents rolled up on the driveway in their car, jumping out in a panic. I was terrified of what his Mum was going to say to me, so I quickly got on my bike and politely said goodbye to her. She gave me an equally polite goodbye, as if nothing had happened, and I rode off, glancing back once at the huge flame roaring away behind me."
Thanks in advance for any help.
Tim.
Tagged:
Comments
I spotted a petrol can in the garage. "We could try using that," I suggested.
"I like that idea," said Eddy. He began liberally pouring it onto the pile of wood.
Instead of saying they watched in awe, show them saying "Gosh that is big, I am surprised." (Or using whatever language you feel appropriate) and use their conversation to show they've noticed the parents come back and are worried about the reaction. After the lively way they'll discuss that - perhaps rude words, perhaps exageration such as "They'll kill me!" the polite goodbyes will be a nice contrast.
"It was a drizzly day and I was in my friend Eddie's garden." Jim rubbed his chin and swallowed. "His parents were out and there was a small bonfire his dad had created waiting to be lit. We decided to light it-" He walked across to the window and rubbed a clear circle in the condensation.
"It was damp and wasn't catching." Jim turned around and looked at Tom for any sign of contempt, but Tom's expression was unreadable. He continued, desperate to make his position clear. "I spotted a petrol can in the garage* and suggested to Eddie that we try using that, you know? He/Eddy** liked the idea and before I could stop him, he was liberally pouring it onto the pile of wood..."
A couple of other issues:
* If he was in the garden, how could he see inside the garage?
** Two different spellings of 'Eddie'/'Eddy'
'We could get that going,' I said. 'That'd warm us up.'
'Nah - it's probably all wet,' Eddie said.
'Well, we could try.' I fished in my pockets and brought out a book of matches I'd filched from my brother.
'It won't work, I bet you,' Eddie insisted, not impressed, but I tried anyway.
He was right; it wouldn't take. I looked round. 'Is there anything in that petrol can in the garage?'
'Dunno. Worth a look, though.' He went over and shook the can. 'Yeah, there might be enough in here.' He unscrewed the cap as he walked back, and shook the contents over the wood. 'How much do you think we need?'
A spark or a flame ignited the petrol as he poured it, and turned the can into a flame thrower. 'Bloody hell!' I shouted. 'That's done it!'
He dropped the can, leaping back out of range. 'Awesome!'
Just at that moment, his parents rolled up on the driveway in their car, jumping out in panic. Suddenly fire and petrol didn't look like such a good combination.
'Later,' I nodded to him, and grabbed my bike. ' 'Bye, Mrs Green,' I said as I raced by.
'Yes - 'bye, Terry,' she said, her eyes on the huge flame roaring up from her garden. I don't think she even saw me.
Does that work? You have to think yourself into the parts of the two boys, and hear them talking in your head.
Does this sound any better? :
It was a drizzly day and I was in my friend Eddie's garden looking at the bonfire that his dad had set up a few days ago.
"We could get that going," I said. "That'd warm us up."
"Nah - it's probably all wet,"
'Well, we could try.'
He went inside and returned with a box of matches.
"It won't work, I bet you,"
After a long time messing around with the matches and bits of scrunched up newspaper, I peeked through his garage window and spotted a can of petrol. "We could try using that?" "Good idea." said Eddy grinning. "How much shall I put on ?" he began liberally pouring it over the pile of wood. A small flame hidden somewhere in the center from our earlier attempts caught on the petrol. A huge flame several meters high roared out of the lid of the can into the air. 'Bloody hell!' I shouted. 'That's done it!' Eddy dropped the can, leaping back. "Oh my god" he said, as we stood and watched the towering inferno for a few seconds. Then, suddenly his parents were rolling up the driveway in their car. "Eddy, what on earth have you done?" his mum shouted as she shot out of the car. I didn't fancy sticking around to find out what she might say to me, so I ran to my bike propped up against the wall and got on it. "Bye Mrs Green" I said hurriedly, pulling an anxious face and giving a timid wave. "Yes - Bye Jim" she said politely, her eyes on the huge flame roaring up from her garden as I cycled off.
Are there any rules as to how speech should be presented / formatted / put onto new lines etc ?
For example:
"Yes - Bye Jim" she said politely.
May sound better as:
"Goodbye, Jim." she said.
It sounds polite anyway, no need to tell the reader that.
Edit out every single adverb in your narrative and make your dialogue do the, ahem, talking.
The main rule for dialogue writing is a new paragraph for a new speaker, but you can play that one by ear. Your last version is great - much more economical - but you can still avoid saying one or two things twice, especially since this is an action sequence and pace is valuable.
1 - 'after a long time messing about' works against you: nothing stopping you from getting the petrol can as soon as the matches appear, since you'd noticed it earlier.
2 - "How much shall I put on?" is non-essential: just pour the damn stuff on.
3 - 'liberally' goes.
4 - no need to explain why there was a flame, it just whooshed.
5 - "Bloody hell!" = "That's done it." You said the same thing twice.
6 - suddenly is an adverb and it's an awkward one to avoid. But you must. Try: I watched the flames leaping as high as the house and looked down at Eddy to see his dad's car stopping ten feet away.
7 - 'to find out what she might say to me' is obvious so needn't be said.
8 - 'propped up against the wall' - why add this?
9 - Instead of 'got on it', add pace: I ran to my bike. "Bye, Mrs Green," and I powered the pedals.
"Bye Jim," I heard as she turned back to the wall of flame in her garden.
Sorry for the detail - It's the equivalent of an editor's pen through things you don't need to say because they slow down your narrative.
We stared at the pile of wood, small wisps of smoke creeping up into the sky.
“At least the hedgehogs will be safe," Eddy said, grinning.
I kicked a branch and water droplets sprayed from the dark wood. I wanted flames reaching up into the sky, the sensation of scorching heat against my face. Briefly, I remembered the burning shed, the delicious crackling as it had burned, then shook my head and stared at the damp bonfire.
“Have you got petrol?”
Eddy shook his head, backing away. “That stuff’s dangerous.”
“Only a drop. Just to speed things up.”
I strode over to the garage, sweat forming on my forehead as if the inferno had already begun.
It would appear that two bit tv appearance has gone to your head.
I'm only sorry that our new member,Tim, had nonsense like that posted on his thread!
You only have to look at post history to confirm where the skill and knowledge lie.
Tim, yes, there are specific rules about the setting out of dialogue. As has been pointed out, you should start the dialogue for consecutive speakers on a new line each time.
Also, don't fall into the trap of following an exclamation/question mark at the end of a line of speech with a capital letter.
For example, this would be wrong: 'Run!' Shouted John.
It should be: 'Run!' shouted John.
There are many, many more rules - for example, where you split the speech of a character:
'It may be,' said Judy, pulling down the hamper, 'that it will be raining by the time we arrive.'
Here, as Judy is only speaking one sentence which is broken by a speech tag and action, the second half of what she says begins with a lower case letter.
However, this would be set out slightly differently as she speaks in two complete sentences:
'It may be raining when we arrive,' said Judy. 'Perhaps we should take umbrellas.'
I could go on... and on... but it might be a good idea to get hold of a punctuation manual if you're not entirely sure of all the rules!
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
(I'm always late to the party lol)
The fact that this comment was addressed to a man who has come here as a beginner - unpublished, hopeful, willing to learn from people who have more knowledge than he at this point - was, quite frankly, astoundingly bad form.
The other fact - that HA keeps coming back, in spite of his low opinion - is worthy of note. One might ask him, why? The answer would be moot.
Tim, you will be assured of excellent advice here; don't let this put you off in any way. You're in the starting blocks - you can't run the race without learning how to do it. If you end up overtaking us all, we'll be thrilled for you!
I was unsure whether I should remove my post once the offending comment was deleted.
I just cannot tolerate arrogance, particularly when it was directed at members of this forum that have been so helpful to new writers like myself.
As has already been said by another member, many of us have been published in assorted publications and genres- we don't all have to have a novel published to be a published writer.
We share our experiences and the knowledge we've gained, because other writers did that for us when we were starting out and needing to learn and ask questions.
If you find us so beneath you, happy_author, I suggest you do yourself a favour and find a forum where you can be guaranteed to only have to mix with writers you consider qualify as 'published'.
http://www.smallbluedog.com/how-to-punctuate-dialogue.html
(I'm also aware that happy author is clearly unrepentant and still holds us in contempt since he has posted on another thread as if nothing has happened!)
I have taken everyone's advice on board and come up with this which I will probably use as a kind of template for the rest of my story if it's ok, still open to more suggestions though:
I was at my friend Eddies house on a drizzly autumn afternoon. His parents were out and we were bored. There was a small bonfire in his garden that his dad had set up.
"We could get that going," I said, "it would warm us up."
"Nah, it's probably all wet."
”Well, we could try..”
He went inside and returned with a box of matches.
"It won't work I bet you."
After a long time messing around with the matches and bits of scrunched up paper, I spotted a can of petrol through the garage window.
"Can we use some of that?"
"Good idea."
He began liberally pouring it over the pile of wood. The intention was to make a trail of petrol from the ground to the wood which we would light from a distance, rather like in a movie, but we didn't get that far. A small flame or ember hidden in the fire from our previous attempts caught on the petrol. A huge flame several meters high roared out of the lid of the can into the air.
“Bloody hell !” he dropped the can and leapt back.
"Oh my god."
We stood and watched the towering inferno and melting petrol can for a few seconds in amazement. Then his parents were rolling up the driveway in their car.
"Eddy, what on earth are you doing?" his mum said, shooting out like a bullet.
I walked briskly over to my bike and got on it.
"Bye Mrs Green." I said, giving a timid wave.
"Bye Jim." she said, the huge flame roaring up from her garden reflecting in her eyes as I coasted off down the drive.
I was at my friend Eddie's house on a drizzly autumn afternoon. His parents were out and we were bored. There was a small bonfire in his garden that his dad had set up.
"We could get that going," I said. "It would warm us up."
[These are two separate sentences, hence the full stop after 'said'.]
"Nah, it's probably all wet."
”Well, we could try..”
[Would a teenage boy start with 'well'? Maybe not. Perhaps "Come on. Let's try."]
He went inside and returned with a box of matches.
"It won't work... I bet you."
[You need punctuation here. I've used ellipses, but you could just use a full stop if you'd prefer.]
After a long time messing around with the matches and bits of scrunched up paper, I spotted a can of petrol through the garage window.
"Can we use some of that?"
"Good idea."
[Again, is this realistic for a teenage boy? Maybe he should say something like "My dad'll kill me, but go on then."]
He began* liberally pouring it over the pile of wood.
[Do you need 'began'? Why not 'He poured it liberally over the woodpile.']
The intention was to make a trail of petrol from the ground to the wood which we would light from a distance, rather like in a movie, but we didn't get that far.
[You could use dialogue here.]
A small flame or ember hidden in the fire from our previous attempts caught on the petrol.
[What previous attempts? You haven't mentioned them.]
A huge flame several metres high roared out of the lid of the can into the air.
[Spelling of metres]
“Bloody hell !” He dropped the can and leapt back.
['He' is the first word of a new sentence, hence the capital letter. It is not a speech tag.]
"Oh my god."
We stood and watched the towering inferno and melting petrol can for a few seconds [in amazement - Do you need this phrase? I think it's evident that you are both shocked].
Then his parents were rolling up the driveway in their car.
[I would avoid 'then'. It's obvious it's the next thing to happen, so you don't need to specify it. It might be better to say 'His parents rolled up the driveway.' Again, do you need 'in their car'?]
"Eddy*, what on earth are you doing?" his mum said, shooting out like a bullet.
[*Again, you have used two different spellings for Eddy/Eddie.
It might be more succinct to say here: His mum shot out like a bullet. "Eddy! What on earth are you doing?" Be careful of cliches.]
I walked briskly over to my bike and got on it.
[Instead of qualifying the way you walked by using an adverb, find a better verb that actually means 'walked briskly', e.g. 'strode']
"Bye, Mrs Green," I said, giving a timid wave.
[Use a comma, not a full stop at the end of dialogue unless that is the final word of the actual sentence.]
"Bye, Jim," she said, the huge flame roaring up from her garden and reflecting in her eyes as I coasted off down the drive.
[Ditto, the comma. Would you see the flame reflecting in her eyes if you are cycling away?]
'A small flame or ember hidden in the fire from our previous attempts caught on the petrol.' Surely the petrol catches or ignites on the flame, not vice versa. You could lose 'on' and it would make more sense, or have it flaring up as the petrol reached it.
I'm still a bit confused at this scene: a flame would ignite the petrol that touched it, so it wouldn't begin at the can. The flame has to touch the petrol, and at this point the can is held away from the seat of the fire. How does the flame get to the can? It doesn't work. (Not that I'm an expert in pyrotechnics - you may need to ask someone like a fire officer.)
Then his parents were rolling up the driveway in their car.
As TN said, lose 'then' - it sounds like a list: we did this, then that, then that - it slows things down.
Also why 'were rolling'? It's a change in tense and it doesn't belong here.
'I walked over to my bike and got on it' (I've cut out 'briskly') - this is like the 'then' thing; it's making a list of actions. you don't need to tell us every single step of the journey. You show four separate actions here: I walked to the bike, I got on it, I waved to Mrs Green, I coasted away... it's all too much specific information.This is a tense and dramatic situation, and you need to make Jim's movements as succinct as possible. Basically, he's fleeing the disaster; keep it short.
I look forward to reading your revised extract based on all the good advice you've received.
Eddy emerged from the garage with a can of petrol. He looked at me.
“Good idea, Eddy”, I said.
This says a lot about the relationship between Eddy and the narrator - they ask, communicate with looks, they know each other well, understand each other without having to always explain. Your reader will get this.
It also means you don’t have to write unnecessary dialogue for Eddy to actually ask "...do you think it might be an idea to use petrol…?”
It also reinforces previous hints about the fire being wet and difficult to light without explaining it in too much detail.
Tim - the others have covered anything I might have said, including "Welcome to the forum". Dialogue is fun - I always say mine out loud, which gets me some odd looks in the street but I'm too old to care!