Commas

Tiny Nell

I have a fondness for them, I know, but I am now fretting at having removed some.

I always thought that when you introduce a subject and then qualify it with further information, you separate the 'qualification' phrase using commas, e.g.:

Joe, my cousin, has a whippet.

My cousin, Joe, has a whippet.

So why are the following incorrect?

Runaway, Jake, finds circus performer, Khala, hiding...

Martha lives with her wicked stepmother, Penelope...

Claudia

I often have the same issue, Nell, so I'll be interested to hear what our experts think!

boredrobots

I'd be tempted to reword to be slightly more vague:

Jake runs away from home and finds Khala hiding...
Little did he know that the young circus performer would change his...

You don't need to introduce names instantly. The first line of the blurb should be an instant hook, the rest can explain a little more, but names aren't massively important other than clearing up who's doing what in the blurb text.

Martha lives with her wicked stepmother in Castlevania....
The stepmother makes her life...

Does the stepmother need to be named? If she's wicked I think not naming her in the blurb gives her more of a mysterious creepy vibe.

Mrs Bear

The difference is that in the first one, you could leave out 'my cousin' and it would still make sense. Joe has a whippet. Joe (who is my cousin) has a whippet.
My cousin, whose name is Joe, has a whippet.
'My cousin Joe' is an abbreviated statement of identity; my cousin Joe is different from 'My cousin, whose name is Joe,' for example. You would change the sense slightly by adding the commas.

'Runaway, Jake, finds...' you can't leave out the part in commas.' Runaway finds...'; the character is Jake who has run away; similarly, 'finds circus performer hiding' makes no sense. If you said Runaway finds circus performer hiding, it would be like newspaper headlines. The character, like 'my cousin Joe', is here described as 'Runaway Jake', as a form of shorthand.

According to Fowler's, these are known as nouns or noun phrases in apposition - her daughter Mary, my cousin Jake - and they don't take commas.

Tiny Nell

Of course!

Mrs Bear to the rescue... again!

Tiny Nell

So, are these commas correct - none after 'old lady', but some around 'known as Izzy' and 'Macbeth'?

Isadora Wellington, known as Izzy, befriends Titania Moonsong, a wheelchair-bound old lady who lives at 13 Arnison Avenue.

Rumour has it that Mrs Moonsong is a witch, which is hardly surprising: she has a black cat, Macbeth, her favourite piece of music is The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and she makes peculiar concoctions from the herbs she grows in her garden.

When Mrs Moonsong disappears and a strange hippy moves into her house, Izzy and her cousin, Joe, are concerned. It seems he is the one intent on casting spells, and Mrs Moonsong is not the only one in danger.

Bill

“I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again.”


― Oscar Wilde

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Sometimes it is necessary to state the relationships and can be tedious to read. It may be that the writer can omit the relationship of one character to another altogether if it isn't relevant, or explain later.

Joe punched me and broke my nose. The reader is more interested to know why and who Joe is but tell them later.

Some writers set out in a matter of fact way, like a bullet point/information dump, who is who etc and then get on with the uncluttered narrative.

It depends on the piece and style.

Mrs Bear

Yes at 'known as Izzy', because it's an explanation and an interjection; yes at 'Macbeth' for the same reason - but the following would also work:
'she has a black cat, Macbeth; her favourite piece of music is The Sorcerer’s Apprentice; and she makes peculiar concoctions from the herbs she grows in her garden.'

'When Mrs Moonsong disappears and a strange hippy moves into her house, Izzy and her cousin, Joe, are concerned. It seems he is the one intent on casting spells, and Mrs Moonsong is not the only one in danger.' - The last man mentioned is Joe, so it's confusing to follow on with 'he is the one...' Do you mean Joe or the hippy, whose gender has not yet been established?

Also you should leave out the commas at 'Joe', as in the previous post. There's a difference between 'a black cat, Macbeth' and 'her cousin Joe'.

ana s

Shouldn't it be a full stop or semi-colon after Macbeth?

Mrs Bear

I've put that as a possibility, Ana - 3rd line from top of post.

datco2014

I like commas they're useful. I like full stops too. I don't like semi-colons coz I never know when to use them.

Seaview

I fling commas about all over the place and am constantly trying to cut down on them, TN, so I would write it as follows:

Isadora "Izzy" Wellington befriends Titania Moonsong, a wheelchair-bound old lady who lives at 13 Arnison Avenue.

Rumour has it that Mrs Moonsong is a witch, which is hardly surprising since her cat Macbeth is black, her favourite piece of music is The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and she makes peculiar concoctions from the herbs she grows in her garden.

I would have put a comma before and after the cat's name, but if I've understood Mrs Bear correctly, this doesn't have to be the case as it's like 'my cousin Joe'?

Tiny Nell

Thank you, all, (more commas... Eeek!)for your feedback.

All my covers have now been completed and submitted with what I hope are correctly-punctuated blurbs.

Seaview

Best of luck, TN! %%-

Carol

Fingers crossed, TN.

Lizy

Good on yer, Nell! Oops, PM's news has cinfected TB with Oz!