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Which sounds better?

edited February 2006 in - Writing Problems

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  • In my novel, I used the line "She felt her cheeks flush slightly" to show that the character was feeling angry. I made this clear in the description, but I'm not sure if it has enough presence. So I came up with a few other options:

    "She felt the slight flush of her cheeks" or
    "She felt a slight flush of the cheeks"

    Due to my limited writing experience, all those examples and the one I used may be wrong. But I personally like the last example. I think it sounds a bit more natural than the others. I have used similar lines in reference to other things my main character does i.e. if she feels happy etc. So if I'm going wrong, now's the time when it's not so serious as I am currently re-writing the first chapter (this is due to a viewpoint problem which has now be corrected).

    Any advice would be great. Thanks.
  • I am no expert, and without seeing it in the context of the whole scene it is difficult to say, but my first impression is not anger.  It seems to portray that she is blushing with embarrassment.  Maybe her cheeks could burn, or she could the heat of her anger redden her cheeks.  Again, I am an amateur as well and I am sure the more experienced talkbackers will have more input.
  • "She felt her cheeks burning" or "she flushed with anger"
  • Hi, without seeing the line in context, I agree with Lixxy that it portrays embarrassment, 'she felt her cheeks burn with anger' would be overstating the mood but 'burning' is more in tune with anger than 'flushing' which could also mean she is menopausal.
    Would you be able to put in the preceding sentence and it might become clearer to us?
  • This is the full part:

    "Samantha came within a whisker of a retaliation. She felt the slight flush of her cheeks. Any response would have come in a ballistic tone of anger."

    It's not great, but I think it shows why her cheeks flushed. I should point out that she feels this way because of an argument with her son. He said something very hurtful to her with regards to his younger sister. Any advice on how it could be improved would be much appreciated.
  • How about ...

    Samantha came within a whisker of retaliating. A flush stained her cheeks.

    But I can't think of anything for the third sentence. 'Ballistic' is something you'd say, I think, rather than write as narrative.

    Jay
  • I'm not sure about using the word ballistic either. Although wouldn't you use the word in the narrative instead of dialogue i.e. "She went ballistic". The thing is, she knows that if she says anything after her son's words (he insults his sister and also swears at Samantha) then she is going to start shouting at him. And upstairs, her 2-year-old daughter is sound asleep. She doesn't want to wake her up. So she has to bottle up her anger.

    After the narrative I gave, I go on to write about how Samantha feels at that point. She poses questions to herself as to why her son would say such things.
  • I'm not sure but I think 'She went ballistic,' is more of a description given in dialogue which adds to the narrative.  It might be too informal for a strict narrative.  When discussing the incident later she may say that she nearly went ballistic, but that is to a third party, within the context of describing what had happened.
  • After the argument, she goes into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. This is when her husband first appears in the novel. She will tell him what happened, so that would be a good time for her to say to him she nearly lost it.

    Considering this is a first draft, I can change plenty of bits in future re-writes. The main reason I made the query was to establish if what I was saying made any sense.
  • 'Flush of the cheeks' felt to me the most angry of the 3 first suggestions (more sudden, less gentle?)
    But maybe I'm associating it with a 'flash in the pan!
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