Welcome to Writers Talkback. If you are a new user, your account will have to be approved manually to prevent spam. Please bear with us in the meantime

Just something i wrote

edited January 2006 in - Writing Problems

Comments

  • I'm new here and this is the first time i've actually gotten an idea where i am still inspired to write more on. However, i'm not sure on how.

    I had 2 ideas. 1) Each chapter would start with a monologue from the main character. Like a diary. Then the story continues in third person. If i do this, i've worked out that it would be best to have it in italics to seperate it from the third person part. 2) The entire story is a monologue.

    The section here is just the beginning part of the first chapter. I'm not sure whether to make it into like a diary entry or continue on it as a monologue.

    After reading this, let me know what would be best. Critique on the writing itself is also welcome.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I go by many names, though my favourite is Mako and I’m not what I appear to be. In this new world of experimentation, it isn’t uncommon to see someone with a pair of wings sticking out of their head, ankles or back. But when they have been grafted and the nerves surgically connected so they move. Mine on my head and back are real. Human wings have no weight bearing abilities, but if I choose I can lift a full-grown human into the air.

    I’m a descendant of a small group of Succubi. Just like humans, we have nationalities, cultures and clans. I’m the last of the Australian race. My sisters where hunted down and slaughtered for research and from that they created what they now call “Wing Technology”.

    My goal is to repopulate our race. But to do that, I need humans. We are different from other Succubi. The radiation from the hole in the ozone layer over Australia mutated our genetic makeup. We don’t give birth. Our young grow up within their Father’s body. It takes a week before the newborn emerges. The Father normally falls into a coma at this stage. Humans don’t really have much stamina if something unnatural happens to their body. When they awaken they have no recollection of ever giving birth. Just because we’re demons doesn’t mean we always kill people.

    I’ve decided to settle in a busy suburb called Blacktown in Sydney’s west for a while. Perhaps I’ll find a few humans that are perfect to start the payment of the debt the humans have to us.
  • Welcome, BlackRose.
    I like the idea, though I think I would have preferred something to have happened in, say the second para. The background you give could probably wait till we get a grip on how wings affect their owner. On the other hand, the menace of the description of how Succubi reproduce is also good at the beginning.

    My latest unpublished blockbuster starts each chapter with a paragraph taken from a monologue from the main character (in italics) and continues in the first person of another character. It's a very satisfying way to write. The way you describe would also work well, I think.

    Maybe you could just do Mako's first paragraph at the start of the story, introduce us to the action in the rest of a short first chapter and perhaps have longer monologues to start later chapters.

    But don't forget: do what feels right to you, Mako and the story.

    The very best of luck with it. It looks promising.
  • Hi, this is really good, I like the idea, I like the informal style of writing.
    Just one or two things I'd like better - you did say you wanted critique and I want to be helpful. Hope it comes across that way.


    "But when they have been grafted and the nerves surgically connected so they move."  doesn't seem to be a whole sentence to me.

    "The Father normally falls into a coma at this stage. Humans don’t really have much stamina if something unnatural happens to their body. When they awaken they have no recollection of ever giving birth. Just because we’re demons doesn’t mean we always kill people."

    This is good also, I love the idea of the men being the birthers, but the second sentence here doesn't seem to relate to the rest of the paragraph and the last sentence here 'just because we're demons' - I wonder if that should come later on as dialogue? Or even earlier, right at the start, a single line paragraph. Then explain more about succubi?
    Also, why does Mako need humans? How will they help him/her breed?

    I'm glad you feel inspired to write more, it's always good to write something you love yourself, and I hope you will post more snippets of ithere, I want to more. 
    Thanks, Moira.
  • ahh I just noticed a huge typo. Thanks Moira for noticing it didn't make sense.

    "But when they have been grafted and the nerves surgically connected so they move."

    is suppose to read:

    "But where they have been grafted and the nerves surgically connected so they move, mine on my head and back are real."

    tho i suppose if i took out surgically from there it would still make sense. Since i guess it would be somewhat common sense that it would have to be surgical in some way to get the wings on in the first place.

    I guess i'd need to elaborate on why she chose humans. See what i had in mind was that she chose them because she saw it as a way for them to repay the debt they created by killing her kind. Also the fact that from what i know on Succubi, they seduce humans and eventually kill them. So i've kind of twisted it a little bit so that she doesn't actually kill them... More like just uses them as "breeding stock". Like a cross between a true Succubus and an Amazon.

    "The Father normally falls into a coma at this stage. Humans don’t really have much stamina if something unnatural happens to their body. When they awaken they have no recollection of ever giving birth. Just because we’re demons doesn’t mean we always kill people."

    The 2nd sentance is suppose to explain the coma. I had it originally without that line though it left the coma part unexplained.

    The last sentance is Mako's afterthought on the whole process. I've set her as getting "positive" revenge instead of senseless killing like what demons do in most books. I also had that originally with the "we're demons doesn’t mean we always kill people" as a "i'm a demon doesn’t mean i always kill people".

    I also had thought on elaborating on how they came to start hunting down the succubi in the 2nd para but i'm still working that out. Since they didn't live with the humans in their plane of existance. Instead they have a hidden village. Mako later on (i have other ideas that join to this one) creates a mirror that reflects her village and from then on is able to go back home through that mirror from where ever she is living at the time.

    After this, i've had rough ideas on how to work out the third person. Like she goes through the processes of actually finding a suitable candidate. Which would lead to the next chapter and her thoughts on Humans themselves and why she chose them and how she felt about being the last one alive.
  • I edited the first part... Here's the edited version. Any crit is welcome on it.

    ~~~

    I go by many names, though my favourite is Mako and I’m not what I appear to be. In this new world of experimentation, it isn’t uncommon to see someone with a pair of wings sticking out of their head, ankles or back. But where they have been grafted onto the skin and the nerves connected so they have movement like an arm or a leg, mine on my head and back are real. Human wings have no weight bearing abilities, but if I choose I can lift a full-grown human into the air.

    I’m a descendant of a small group of Succubi. Just like humans, we have nationalities, cultures and clans. I’m the last of the Australian race. My sisters where hunted down and slaughtered for research and from that they created what they now call “Wing Technology”. What their reasons were for creating Wing Technology, I do not know. But the first to be sacrificed in the name of research was my youngest sister.

    She was unlike any other Succubus I knew. She loved humans and frequently went to mingle with them. I always warned her that one day she would be hurt by them. But she’d always go with a smile on her face. But as history dictates, humans don’t like abnormal things. To them, my sister was abnormal.

    At the beginning, they tried to assimilate her into their world. But she told me, when I found her just lying discarded on the ground, that they were merely curious. They had removed her wings from her head and back to see how they worked. Later on, when she had grown too weak to withstand their tests, they just discarded what remained of her. Sometimes I wish she was here to see what has become of us. I don’t blame her for what has happened but I wish that she had heeded my words just once.

    My goal is to repopulate our race. But to do that, I need humans. Humans have a short but condensed life-force, which is the perfect ground for breeding new Succubi. Their condensed life-force outlives the life of their physical bodies, sometimes having to live again in a newborn. But for a Succubus, we can extend our lives by taking some of that life force. For a newborn Succubus of my race, this means growing within the body of a human. Other Succubi in other countries do this by feeding on humans at the peak of their sexuality.

    The radiation from the hole in the ozone layer over Australia mutated our genetic makeup. This changed much of our interaction with humans. No longer did we seduce and kill them, but instead we were able to make them give birth. Our young grow up within their Father’s body.  It takes a week before the newborn emerges. The Father normally falls into a coma at this stage. When they awaken they have no recollection of ever giving birth. Just because I’m a demon doesn’t mean I always kill people.

    I’ve decided to settle in a busy suburb called Blacktown in Sydney’s west for a while. Perhaps I’ll find a few humans that are perfect to start the payment of the debt they have to us.
  • Oh, of course, the father is human! Makes much more sense now and I appreciated the explanation of the sister's story, made the whole thing easier to understand.
    Why did I not know the father was not a succubus? Silly me, after all the horror novels and paranormal research I'm into, I can't believe I overlooked that!
    Thanks for the new posting, Black Rose, good luck in writing the rest!
    My own writing is going well right now, too and I'm completely fired up about it.
    Cheers!
  • Hi Black Rose, How is it going? Would love to know if you're still doing this peice and getting on with it okay.
    Moira.
  • I'm writing it as i go. Still on the first chapter tho because i tend to write then edit and spell/grammer check my chapters as i go.

    Writing this story is kind of a good break from the pressure of University. ^^ I'm studying to be a Nurse, tho Writing is kinda what i prefer to do. But can't really write without much of an income. ^^
  • Hi Black Rose,
    Blimey! I was enrolled to start the 3-yr nurse training course in March this year, but have been desperately hoping to be a full-time writer instead, luckily I have had the encouraging news I needed to know that I can suceed as a writer so I've now got a part-time office job near home and do writing in my spare time, I know I will be doing it full time before the year is out. I did/do hanker after nursing but my real aim is writing and I'm so lucky that I've received this good news (which will be revealed in time) in the nick of time - several of my friends are nurses or training and I know what a hard slog it is and how little time I would have for writing and family.
    Good luck with it all, Moira.
  • My story is starting to border on Fantasy and Sci-Fi. I've also changed the format to alternating between Mako's thought process and her present state. She now explains things that she knew from her past. Here's the next thought process part, kinda want to keep her present a secret for now (btw before this process she's sitting in a coffee shop sipping on some coffee so i thought it was a good time to slip one in as it lets the reader know what she's thinking about):

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    It interests me how people assume they know what’s best for other people when they aren’t that other person. I watch parents with their children. Denying them their right to learn about the food they eat.

    What does it all come down to? What is it that drives a parent to control their child in such a way? I’ve seen humans deny others throughout history, but why? We don’t deny our young anything. They learn what they choose. They eat what they choose. They are given what they like to develop their wants and needs. To understand what wants and needs are, but humans don’t seem to understand this.

    I miss my Village. Nothing was imperative. You didn’t have to learn to do something in order to get a job for money. Everyone had a job which was used as money. My family use to grow strawberries. An immense strawberry field as far as the eye could see. The 100g punnets we made were our money. Trade was how you gained things in my Village. No one grew the same thing. Physical jobs such as teaching and running the Ruling Council were volunteer jobs. Those with a passion to do those jobs went into them.

    But now only Jolene lives in the Village. She looks after all that was left behind. Her days are very full and often tiring. But Jolene herself doesn’t mind the work. She loves tending to the fields and empty houses. But I firmly believe that is because she is afraid of the Human world.

    Being the only one of her kind makes her vulnerable. In our history, there has never been a part cat part Succubus before. She’s willing to try to raise a family, but she is unsure what they would become. Would they be part cat part Succubus like her or become pure-bloods? 

    Gregor Mendel was a brilliant scientist way ahead of his time. His observations with his pea plants possibly sparked the birth of genetic research in how chromosomes work. I applied his Punnett Square to work out Jolene’s offspring.

    Succubi DNA is always dominate unless it finds a DNA or certain traits that are also dominating. If this is the case, a succubus would have attributes from both mother and father. In Jolene’s case, her father had traits of equal dominance to Succubus blood.

    Jolene’s children in this case, if she was to have a human father her children, would either become pure-blood Succubi or pure-blood cats. I’m as yet unsure if the cat DNA will blend with Human DNA to create a human-like cat but that will be seen if and when Jolene decides to try.

    I’m curious to know what would happen. Jolene would become a notable scientist in our world if she decided to bear a family. But I won’t push her. She will have her own chances with the recovering Humans in the Village… Once I actually find suitable ones.
Sign In or Register to comment.