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point of view-help please

edited June 2013 in - Writing Problems
'Hello,' she says, throwing crumbs to the swans, while her auburn hair splayed about her face in the wind.
I move a few steps away; picking up a small piece of bread from the ground.
'Share mine,' she says,offering the paper bag, moving closer.



I feel I should be saying 'he' instead of 'I' but it came natural to say 'I' or am I going bonkers after writing all day,
and this being my last 500 word story?

Comments

  • As long as it's established at some point the I is male then I don't see a problem with this...or it could remain a mystery, or not be relevant at all and just stick as random sexless I :)
  • it is revealed right at the end that it is a male. Not going bonkers then?
    As for random sexless. Can you get a bag of them at the sweet shop?
  • edited June 2013
    If you want to use "I" then use it - your story, your choice.

    "splayed" is past tense and the rest is in present tense - was this a typo?
  • edited June 2013
    You're keeping the gender a mystery to the end for reason. The narrator can be 'I' (which sounds really ungrammatical!)
    No semi colon after 'away' - should be a comma, if you're sticking to this sentence as written: but is he really picking up the bread while taking a few steps, or does he take a few steps to pick up the bread?
  • [quote=Lizy]If you want to use "I" then use it - your story, your choice.

    "splayed" is past tense and the rest is in present tense - was this a typo?[/quote]

    [quote=Mrs Bear]You're keeping the gender a mystery to the end for reason. The narrator can be 'I' (which sounds really ungrammatical!)
    No semi colon after 'away' - should be a comma, if you're sticking to this sentence as written: but is he really picking up the bread while taking a few steps, or does he take a few steps to pick up the bread?[/quote]

    Thank you for your help. Seems I still have a lot to learn. Point of view and tenses are my weaknesses.

    Word suggested a semi colon.
    I walk a few steps away, then pick up a small piece of bread the wind has snatched.

    The narrator can be 'I' (which sounds really ungrammatical) That was the reason for me questioning it, that, and point of view.

    All very helpfull. Thanks once again.
  • You can use either 'I' or 'he' for this character but you must stick to it for the whole story.

    If you use 'I' (first person) write the whole thing as though you're that character. That means if he doesn't see it then you don't so he has to be in every scene. You can only know what he knows.
  • You can also know what someone tells him but that makes it less immediate.
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