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Any mistakes?

Tiny NellTiny Nell
edited November 2016 in Writing
I am in the process of redesigning a book cover and submitting it to CreateSpace.

I am using the original blurb, but have removed one or two commas (around 'Jake' and 'Khala').

Does this look correct to you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Runaway Jake has no idea what adventures are in store when he meets circus performer Khala hiding in a
ramshackle caravan.

Should he tell her about the mysterious box he has been warned never to open? Khala also has a secret to share, but can she trust Jake?

Fantazi’s circus is a place of danger, but with the help of Cedric the dwarf and his beloved Chihuahua, Audrey, the children unravel the truth and are utterly astounded at the biggest secret of all.

Comments

  • Phots MollPhots Moll
    Sorry, but I find it a bit confusing. Who are 'the children'?
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Jake and Khala.
  • CarolCarol
    I assumed Khala was an adult...
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    Runaway Jake has no idea what adventures are in store when he meets YOUNG circus performer Khala hiding in a ramshackle caravan.

    Or something similar. Who is hiding?
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Khala is hiding...
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited November 2016
    Runaway Jake has no idea what adventures are in store when he finds young circus performer Khala hiding in a ramshackle caravan.

    Should he tell her about the mysterious box he has been warned never to open? Khala also has a secret to share, but can she trust Jake?

    Fantazi’s circus is a place of danger, but with the help of Cedric the dwarf and his beloved Chihuahua, Audrey, the children unravel the truth and are utterly astounded at the biggest secret of all.
  • ClaudiaClaudia
    The only glitch for me was 'Audrey' - the fifth name in a short blurb to try to take in. I think 'Cedric the dwarf and his beloved Chihuahua' is sufficient.
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    The last sentence is a bit of a puzzle. What truth? About what? You have 'a place of danger' but no link between that and the quest for the truth. Can one be 'astounded at' something?
    Lose 'Audrey'.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Ah, yes.

    The truth refers to what is going on behind the scenes at the circus. I can't use 'secret' twice...

    The 'biggest secret' concerns Jake and Khala. Should it be astounded 'by'?
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    Yes, 'by'. Not sure you can unravel truth either - maybe uncover it.

    'Fantazi’s circus is a place of danger, but with the help of Cedric the dwarf and his beloved Chihuahua, the children uncover the truth hidden there, and are utterly astounded by the biggest secret of all.'
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    Chihuahua for the place and chihuahua for the dog.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Oh! Thank you. I've always written it with a capital C.
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    Check your dictionary for writers and editors.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited November 2016
    Yes, I always forget I have that!

    I am now re-writing the blurb...

    And the chihuahua has had the chop.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited November 2016
    Here's a new version (which may now be too long!):

    Runaway Jake has no idea what adventures are in store when he finds young circus performer Khala hiding in a ramshackle caravan.

    Jake sees things – dreams, visions… but should he reveal the contents of the mysterious box he has been warned never to open? Khala has secrets of her own, secrets which could threaten her friendship with Jake.
    And she is not the only one of the performers with something to hide.

    Jake soon discovers that Fantazi’s Circus is a place of danger, and together, he and Khala begin to uncover the layers of deceit which have an impact on them both.

    But neither one is prepared for the biggest discovery of all.

    For readers of 8-12
  • Baggy BooksBaggy Books
    edited November 2016
    At first glance I'd delete this:

    This could be the new start he needs.

    He's a runaway, there's going to be a change to his life – there already is. If you're worried about length that's a good cut to make.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited November 2016
    Yes, that was a last-minute add-on. I'll chop it.

    Edited to say: chopped
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear

    'Jake sees things – dreams, visions... but'

    Don't like this. Alternatives:

    Jake sees things – dreams, visions - but

    Jake sees things – dreams, visions… But

    Jake sees things – dreams, visions; but
  • Phots MollPhots Moll
    I think this version is both clearer and more intriguing (even if that is a contradiction). The first was a bit too much 'I've got a secret and I'm not telling you, nah nah, nah' for my taste, whereas this suggests that if we read the book we'll be let in on all the secrets, which is much more appealing.
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    Please note that those two dashes were supposed to be the same size. Haven't worked out how to do them on the Chromebook yet.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Thank you, Mrs Bear. I shall attend to it shortly.
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    Thank you.
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