Christmas Story - 2017

2

Comments

  • and retires to the armchair for a short nap...
  • he was still there when Mrs Claus returned.
  • She shook his arm gently, "Wake up," she said softly.
    His head fell off. Except it wasn't his head but a water melon with a fake beard, and his red suit was stuffed with pillows.
    "Someone's kidnapped Santa!" cried Mrs Claus.
  • edited December 2017
    .
  • How right she was! Santa was roped to the tail of a camel, and trudging towards Bethlehem.The camel was carrying Balthsar, Melchior and Gaspar,who were sharing transport because of the fall in oil revenues, and had hired the came, under contract from Uber. The camel's name was Mustapha, and he hadn't worked since the last TB Christmas story
  • edited December 2017
    As they trudged through the sand dunes Santa realised that he'd met this minging old Mustapha a couple of Chrimbos ago when their paths had crossed. He also remembered that Mustapha was cunning, and known to spit. Bribery, thought Santa, he'll respond to a few promises. "Mustapha old pal," whispered Santa. "Listen to me a moment... I have a proposition..."
  • LizLiz
    edited December 2017
    ...and several cans of Budweiser stuffed down my inner, secret Santa pocket...
  • edited December 2017
    which is why I've been walking funnily, well, and also on account of my other problem.' Santa tapped his nose. Mustapha winked in mutual understanding, but not before admiring what hung between his back legs.
  • ..he was, above all, a vain, and proud camel.

    So, the proposition is, that
  • we sidle off in another direction when no one is looking, and once we're in a place of safety, you can have the Buds. How about it?"
  • Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Mrs Santa was still trying to work out how to use the satnav for the sleigh.
  • She prodded a few buttons.
    A voice said, 'Unexpected item in the bagging area.'
    Mrs Santa looked around wildly...
  • and saw, in the back of the sleigh,
  • edited December 2017
    a shopping bag, and there was a piece of paper with writing scrawled on it, sticking out the top.

    It said...
  • ...unless you carry out these instructions, every child in the world will receive a piece of coal and a picture of Trump for Christmas instead of goodies, and...
  • ...a solar panel. This message will biodegrade in 10 seconds...
  • Before Mrs Claus could read the instructions the message dissolved into snowflakes...
  • ...and drifted away on one of her special farts.
    Trying to recall at least some of the briefly-glimpsed instructions, Mrs Claus...
  • ...who had left her glasses in the kitchen next to her mince pie recipe book (yes, she had a recipe book full of variations on mince pies), remembered seeing a few words.

    'Hmm, what were they now? I think I saw *plunger*, *grin* and *can-can* on that piece of paper. What on earth can it all mean?'
  • 'Did you see that note, Mrs Claus?', asked Stupid Cupid. 'The one the camel with dark glasses and a gun delivered?'
  • Mrs Claus stared open-mouthed at Stupid Cupid, then gathering her wits she said...
  • 'Of course I saw it, you stupid...Oh, what's the point?'
    'The point of what, Mrs Claus? Christmas? Mince pies? Life and everything?'
    Mrs Claus took another deep breath. 'You are, without doubt, the...
  • LizLiz
    edited December 2017
    'Cos I read the note, but it didn't make much sense. While wearing only a grin and a skirt made from the hairs of Santa's beard you have to do a can can while using a plunger to...'
  • "Are you saying you can remember everything the note said?" Mrs Claus really couldn't believe it, but she was willing to ask...
  • 'Well, I think I can. Or can I? You had to grin with Santa's beard on and use a plunger on the can...
  • and find yourself in the...
  • 'JUST STOP RIGHT THERE!'

    Santa's talking hologram hovered in front of the fireplace. He was ruddy-faced and he was shaking a mitten at the silly pair, inside which was a pointing forefinger.

    Mrs Claus gasped and held the back of her hand to her gaping mouth. Stupid Cupid fell sideways and nibbled on the rug tassles as he listened to what the Big Man was about to say next...
  • "I'm all ears," said Dancer, squinting through the window, his large nose pressed up against the pane.
  • "Now my dear. I don't want you to worry, but I've been camel-napped. I'm fine- you did deliver ALL the presents? Now I know you didn't otherwise I wouldn't be in my current predicament...
  • Dancer turned to Rudolph. "Santa's been camel-napped. What say we go and rescue him? Mrs Claus obviously isn't up to the sleigh riding job."
  • "I need you to check under the seat in the sleigh my dear Mrs Claus, " Santa's hologram continued. "You will find a sack, and in it...
  • 'You go Dancer. Just thought of a joke. Why will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?"
  • "Carry on that way and Mrs Claus might put Venison on the New Year dinner plate." Vixen cuffed Rudolph with her hoof. "Now we've missed Santa's instructions...
  • Meanwhile the hologram winked out and Mrs Claus looked at the list of instructions in her notebook. Santa had given her directions to take the sack from under his sleigh seat, and fill it with...
  • potatoes. Why potatoes? Then she remembered -
  • Christmas dinner will be different after BREXIT.
  • "Well Santa's on a diet anyway. Now what was next on the list? Obtain sunglasses, size L. I think I can get those, but the...
  • "Hold your reindeer! Have you forgotten what day it is? We can't be faffing around solving riddles and riding camels. It's Christmas Eve! We have presents to deliver," said Rudolph, buffing his nose to a rosy shine.
  • LizLiz
    edited December 2017
    But - Santa! The world's children will be devastated if they find out he's been... and I'm never going to be able to ea all those mince pies! I don't have his capacity! And I don't want his girth!
  • "Well we won't tell them! I can hohoho with the best of them. As for the mince pies, I fancy a change from carrots and all that sleigh-guiding uses up a lot of calories. So let's be having you. It's showtime," said Rudolph, doing the full jazz hooves.
  • edited December 2017
    "Right, stuff that high-jacking camel, Santa's on his own! I'm in, Rudolf. Let's grab that map and choose our route," said Dancer. "Oh, and by the way... I'm the one who does the jazz hooves. They didn't name me Dancer for nothing."
  • edited December 2017
    .
  • And so all the reindeer lined up behind Rudolph, Mrs Santa stuffed a jumper up her coat and donned a fake beard, the elves loaded the sleigh with presents and off they went.
  • And you know what, Mrs Claus was faster than Santa. It was probably the effect of less weight over the millions of miles. They needed less fuel, and less time. they had TIME TO SPARE. And so they...
  • ...dispatched all the presents as quick as a flash and made a little detour to the desert where...
  • Santa had taken refuge at an oasis, and having removed his red coat and trousers- as they were a bit too warm for the climate- he was dangling his feet in the water, and wondering where...
  • he'd misplaced his cigarette. He rifled his pockets, and was delighted to find a small...
  • How did Santa escape from Mustapha the camel? Did I miss something?
  • packet of peanuts. He wondered if Mustapha would consider getting him a gin & tonic if he promised not to move from the oasis.

    Mustapha the camel continued to patrol the perimeter...
Sign In or Register to comment.