Pam Ayres - Where are you when I need you?

I had to go to the doctor
Cos my ankles were so big.
With massive ankles that size,
I could never do a jig
He put me on some tablets,
Which my old Mum used to hate.
They tend to make you pee a lot.
When they work you cannot wait.
 Before we ever took Mum out
We would reconnoitre the site
Establish where the loos where,
And keep them well in sight.
Check she had the money
In case she had to pay.
And prey that there'd be no one there
Who might get it her way.
When I'm out in my camper van
That doesn't worry me.
Cos I have got a bathroom there
If I ever need to pee.

What do you think? Any good?

Comments

  • Hello!
    Just a few bits for you.

    Establish where the loos where > were
    Who might get it her way. > i wasn't sure if this was meant to say "Get in her way"

    Great poem though!

    Regards,
    SKRIBE
  • Thank you Skribe, I really appreciate your feedback. Typos and clangers are the bane of my life. Although my eyesight is excellent for my age it seems to deteriorate in seconds when proofreading my own stuff. 😟
  • @Codger
    No problem at all, always happy to help. I am sure we all go through the same situation when your'e writing your own work we probably all tend to look at the final product rather than the minor details.

    Regards,
    SKRIBE
  • reconnoitre doesn't scan... it's got weird stresses, sadly. Reconnoitring the site would work then you'd have to change the next line to make it work.
  • But otherwise and what scribe said, fab! Might be funnier of course if you just peed wild and free....
  • You are so right about 'reconnoitre' Liz, I don't know why I used it now. I think the last time was when I was doing my National Service in the Royal Engineers. It's becoming clear to me that I need to take a lot more care in my writing or it will be dismissed on those grounds alone..
  • Another typo which jumped out was 'prey'. Should be 'pray'.

    I think it's got good bones, Codger (just like you!), but maybe a little tightening up with syllables and changing the odd word, would improve it.

    The first line, for example, might work better as:

    'I visited the doctor'
  • I find it hard to do rhythm, codger, so what i do is leave my poems for a couple of weeks, then look at them again. When they are almost a 'stranger' to me, the rhythm problems stand out more - you end to 'force' the structure you think it has into your silent reading otherwise. And another way is to get someone else to read it out to you. Where they stumble, you know there is a problem.
  • That's were the skill of the writer comes in isn't it TN? A skill which I'm probably too old to acquire now. What I need is a skilled writer who would work with an old bone provider, I suppose that's what professional proofreaders/editors do for a living. Changing to 'I visited the doctor' is interesting. Round here we 'go to see the doctor' some posh people might visit him. This writing is such a complicated business. 😄
  • I would also 'go to see' the doctor in everyday life, but in your poem, I would 'visit' him to reduce the syllable count!

    It's really useful to read rhyming poetry aloud. Where you hear the jar, and the obvious effort to make the rhyming smooth, stop and see if there's a way around it.
  • Or 'I went to see the doctor'
  • Thank you Liz. It's very kind of members here to spend time helping newbies like this. I struggle all the time with my failing memory so everything has to be dealt with in live time, Going back to it after such a time lag would have me not only denying I'd every seen it before but wondering what I had in mind at the time if it ever was mine. I've now found the free software 'Verse Perfect' where syllable count might help a bit. I shall plod on. 😊
  • heather said:
    Or 'I went to see the doctor'
    That's it. 😄
  • Tiny Nell said:
    I would also 'go to see' the doctor in everyday life, but in your poem, I would 'visit' him to reduce the syllable count!

    It's really useful to read rhyming poetry aloud. Where you hear the jar, and the obvious effort to make the rhyming smooth, stop and see if there's a way around it.
     Thank you Nell. I can record myself reading them and play that back. In fact I think I will make a CD of myself reading my rhymes to leave for future generations to listen to when they have spent all my money. 😉
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