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Tunisia: "After lunch, why not visit our medical centre?" After my return to England, I did indeed have to visit a medical centre, where I was prescribed antibiotics for a stomach bug.
France: "In case of fire, please close all doors before leaving."
Belgium: "When finished, please put hairdryer on stand so that it may rearm." I made use of this in my short story 'Last Time in Bruges' which you can find at http://www.bewrite.net/bookshop/excerpts/dkol.htm
Recommended reading for anyone thinking of visiting Bruges. Don't worry, there's no sex in it. You'll have to forgive me for the tell rather than show descriptions of the main characters.
I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly case I'm gone into (silly phase I'm going through)
So if I call you
Don't make a bash (make a fuss)
Don't tell your friend about the two of us (friends)
I'm not in love, no, no,
It's because
Be Quit (quiet) be quit
I give you big jurg (I've got your picture)
upon the wall
It has some hessitance just lying there (It hides a nasty stain just lying there)
So don't you ask me to give it back
I know you know you doesn't mean that much to me (it doesn't mean that)
I'm not in love, no, no,
Uh you made along time for me (you'll wait a long time for me)
There are 14 songs in all and they go downhill at an incredible rate from here. The 'big jurg' gets me every time. Hehehehe. If you think that's weird, try deciphering Dreadlock Holiday!
'Don't you craik the sky
Don't you qui on me pitch
Don't you walk through my word
as you came through the out crake'
Ah, you gotta laugh!
Years ago Terry Wogan had a theme going about misheard lyrics. The only one I can remember was something about "you left me with four hundred children" (four hungry children).
Don't get me started on misheard lyrics - this used to be one of Danny Baker's favourite phone-ins on the now defunct GLR (best radio station ever was). Unforgettable favourites:
'All the young jews carry canoes', Mott the Hoople [all the young dudes carry the news]
'And he came to me in a submarine', the BeeGees [on the summber breeze]
and the perennial Hendrix line 'excuse me while I kiss this guy' [kiss the sky].
It was invented for a movie so it doesn't count anyway but I thought I'd share that with you. I'm off to bed now. Bye.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corriders during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
A sign posted in Germanys Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well speaking / Here speeching American.
-------
By the way, my favourite is from an NHS hospital in Northampton - though I've a feeling I'll get into trouble if I say it...
Google "family planning advice northamptonshire". It's there, a couple of pages in.
Spanish waitress to customer: "Are you finished now?"
Customer: "No, I am Danish."
Sign on an NHS hospital in Northampton:
Family Planning Advice...
...Use Rear Entrance.
Then there's the sign we saw a few years ago (I wish I'd taken a photo): NSPCC Assault Course. Presumably a sponsored event for charity.
So, the B&B owner approaches the woman and says: Wyt isio wy? (do you want an egg?). After a few repetitions, the woman says Na, dwi wedi bod yn barod (no thanks, Ive already been!)
Tootle me with vigour any time darling (but not in Nottingham!)
'I posted earlier :
"I have some photos of JOE CINO I would like to add to the JOE CINO page on Wikipedia, but I am computer-illiterate and can't figure out how to do it.
Can anyone help me?
Please contact me privately at etc
I apparently didn't phrase this clearly.
Kind people keep sending me links to supposedly instructional Wikipedia pages.
I don't understand the pages. You might as well be showing them to a large dog.
I should have said:
"Will someone who knows how to, please post some photos in the Joe Cino Wikipedia article for me?"
Please respond personally to me at etc'
Its broadmindedly living space is about 340 sq meters at the first floor you will find 3 rooms which each has its own water-lines, and a combines shower/WC room is can be easily modified into an large and luxuriously bedroom during the 50 years of Polish socialism epoch come the buildings to a deforming and pitiable condition. During this socialism era the property was used as an office of agriculture combines, and an home for old people and at last as a home of about 10 very poor families. Especially the last use was the main reason for the destructions on the buildings and the unbelievably degree of soiling of the property. ..this intensive restoration of this stably houses and took more than five years to conclude it for the comfort was built in a new heating system and this guarantees comfortably winters variously companies of the region did the work work on this property cannot take place under none circumstances near the property are located 2 old halls. In the past they were manufactories of machinery. The authority of the village told me that both buildings should be ripping of for to get space however, as soon as both halls are ripped of, the value of the palace should be grove four large new trees come dry in the extremely summer that we have this year and also in these days actually I have to give the order to replace one motor of the gate-opener that smoothly not works.
Poor Dorothy - hope you don't get blow into the Solent.
Jay - this morning we sang a hymn at a school assembly. At another school last week, we sang 'All things bright and beautful'. I was tempted to ask the children if they think I am bright and/or beautiful but resisted the urge.