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missing a bit
Hey guys, I've been writing a short story but I can't help but feel I'm missing a bit in the middle (as well as the end). The problem is I don't know what is missing! This is ny 1st draft and is already over the specified number of words, but should be able to cut that down during editing. All advice most welcome! Going to have to do it in 2 parts, the website doesn't like this many words.
Hisano
Most stories of love begin with a couple meeting for the first time, a destined union with an inevitable outcome. My tale though is a journey towards it through a passionate hate and the unreasonable fury of a girl but ten years of age; me.
I was born into a wealthy family known and befriended by the royal family themselves. My father, Lord Burk, known to friends as Dick, was and remains the kings confidant and my elder sister, Elizabeth, played with the princess during his visitations. I never spent much time with my father, he was always far too busy dealing with matters of state and running a household. I remember nothing of my mother though for she passed away during childbirth. Father told me stories of her at night when I was tucked up in bed, about her antics as a youth. She was bold, fearless and defiant. He said once she never much liked aristocratic society thinking it to be restrictive and cold, but out of love for her husband would dress and behave how she was expected too. Over time it became a part of who she was. Now I know that sacrifices are made for the sake of love but back then I could never fathom her reasoning behind abandoning her family and her way of life for a man.
Unfortunately for my poor father I took after my mother, and unlike my sister did not fit flawlessly into wealthy society. I would seek out adventure and mischief to counter the boredom of ceaseless education and instruction in etiquette. Even my interests were dictated to me, embroidery being at the forefront. My only solace was found in our mansions library late at night while the household slept. The books there became my only friends who flew me away from my gilded cage to far away lands and magical kingdoms. As I grew so did my longing to be free.
Finally after months of anticipation my tenth birthday arrived with a vast array of entertainment, good food and people. It seemed father had invited everyone he knew irrespective that majority of them having never met me, at least not as far as I could recall. I didnt mind too much as each brought with them a small gift for me. I dont remember much of the festivities now only that Elizabeth seemed to get more attention then me as she sat with the Ladies present and joined in their conversation with precise elocution and demeanour. Some of the younger gentlemen offered her a dance or two where she revealed her elegance and grace while I stumbled clumsily through the day. By the time we retired I was more determined than ever to find a place where I belonged, where neither my manners not my actions were under constant scrutiny. I loved my father dearly yet I could not help but feel I let him down regularly. My sister was the star while I was just a disappointment.
As darkness fell I gathered together what I could, including all the money I had saved amounting to eight gold coins and two of silver. Shrouded in the shadows of the mansion I slipped from my room and to the library with practiced ease, my travel case in one hand. Between the sparse bundle of clothes I placed a couple of my favourite books, both stories of travel and adventure. Next I filled what little space was left in the kitchen with cold meats, freshly made cheese and half a loaf of bread baked earlier that day. With that I headed out into the cool summer night, my heart beating so fast and loud that I feared others would hear it.
For what seemed like an eternity I ran as fast as I could from my home down the deserted roads, tripping occasionally on the cobblestones. Buildings towered above me in defiance of the ground they stood upon. This was my first excursion into the city alone and one street looked very much like another to a child. When it became apparent I was well and truly lost within the maze I slowed to a halt and, breathing heavily, looked about me. I was in a part of town I had never been to before.
The first thing I noticed was a decaying smell mingled with waste and grime that made me wrinkle my nose in disgust. The houses around was falling into disarray; windows shattered and boarded up haphazardly, most unlike the neighbourhood I was used to. The sound of men making merry drifted from a tavern on the corner, a few revellers spilling out onto the street singing a rude song with apparently no tune. I watched wide eyed as they held each other up and slowly began weaving towards me. As they drew towards me I was sickened by their shaggy clothes and unclean appearance.
...
Hisano
Most stories of love begin with a couple meeting for the first time, a destined union with an inevitable outcome. My tale though is a journey towards it through a passionate hate and the unreasonable fury of a girl but ten years of age; me.
I was born into a wealthy family known and befriended by the royal family themselves. My father, Lord Burk, known to friends as Dick, was and remains the kings confidant and my elder sister, Elizabeth, played with the princess during his visitations. I never spent much time with my father, he was always far too busy dealing with matters of state and running a household. I remember nothing of my mother though for she passed away during childbirth. Father told me stories of her at night when I was tucked up in bed, about her antics as a youth. She was bold, fearless and defiant. He said once she never much liked aristocratic society thinking it to be restrictive and cold, but out of love for her husband would dress and behave how she was expected too. Over time it became a part of who she was. Now I know that sacrifices are made for the sake of love but back then I could never fathom her reasoning behind abandoning her family and her way of life for a man.
Unfortunately for my poor father I took after my mother, and unlike my sister did not fit flawlessly into wealthy society. I would seek out adventure and mischief to counter the boredom of ceaseless education and instruction in etiquette. Even my interests were dictated to me, embroidery being at the forefront. My only solace was found in our mansions library late at night while the household slept. The books there became my only friends who flew me away from my gilded cage to far away lands and magical kingdoms. As I grew so did my longing to be free.
Finally after months of anticipation my tenth birthday arrived with a vast array of entertainment, good food and people. It seemed father had invited everyone he knew irrespective that majority of them having never met me, at least not as far as I could recall. I didnt mind too much as each brought with them a small gift for me. I dont remember much of the festivities now only that Elizabeth seemed to get more attention then me as she sat with the Ladies present and joined in their conversation with precise elocution and demeanour. Some of the younger gentlemen offered her a dance or two where she revealed her elegance and grace while I stumbled clumsily through the day. By the time we retired I was more determined than ever to find a place where I belonged, where neither my manners not my actions were under constant scrutiny. I loved my father dearly yet I could not help but feel I let him down regularly. My sister was the star while I was just a disappointment.
As darkness fell I gathered together what I could, including all the money I had saved amounting to eight gold coins and two of silver. Shrouded in the shadows of the mansion I slipped from my room and to the library with practiced ease, my travel case in one hand. Between the sparse bundle of clothes I placed a couple of my favourite books, both stories of travel and adventure. Next I filled what little space was left in the kitchen with cold meats, freshly made cheese and half a loaf of bread baked earlier that day. With that I headed out into the cool summer night, my heart beating so fast and loud that I feared others would hear it.
For what seemed like an eternity I ran as fast as I could from my home down the deserted roads, tripping occasionally on the cobblestones. Buildings towered above me in defiance of the ground they stood upon. This was my first excursion into the city alone and one street looked very much like another to a child. When it became apparent I was well and truly lost within the maze I slowed to a halt and, breathing heavily, looked about me. I was in a part of town I had never been to before.
The first thing I noticed was a decaying smell mingled with waste and grime that made me wrinkle my nose in disgust. The houses around was falling into disarray; windows shattered and boarded up haphazardly, most unlike the neighbourhood I was used to. The sound of men making merry drifted from a tavern on the corner, a few revellers spilling out onto the street singing a rude song with apparently no tune. I watched wide eyed as they held each other up and slowly began weaving towards me. As they drew towards me I was sickened by their shaggy clothes and unclean appearance.
...
Comments
Could you break it up more?
What do you intend to do with the story once you complete it?
I've been working on this slowly for weeks now and just can not seem to make it come alive! I'm sure I'm missing something that should be included but no idea what
Sarah was extremely beautiful.
Becomes...
As she glided across the dance floor, people stopped to watch. The men wistful, the women envious.
You get my drift? Readers can either 1) realise that she is indeed very beautiful, or 2) she's dancing with Jonny Depp!
And for the something missing... do you have a beginning, middle and end? In other words you start off in the roller coaster, reach the top and sail down happy and content that the ride is finished and concluded.
Someone with more experience than me may give you better advice.
Good luck with it.
I don't know, do I have a beginning, middle and end? I have a beginning and an end (the latter is in progress currently) but it seems the middle is nothing but connection one to the other. When I say Carmella and Samuel are fighting and not getting along, should i add in a situation to show it? Would that give me a middle?
Sorry for all the questions, I'm just determined to get it to a publishable standard before submitting it as my assignment.
What stuck out for me is that in the beginning you said you were ten, and I had no sense of her (you) growing up. And so the romantic undertone seemed a little inappropriate. The fire scene could have been more dramatic, and maybe just have a glancing scene of growing up in the Burk grounds beforehand with Samuel watching from a distance and Carmella (you) beginning to realise his attraction for her.