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"At the top of the toss, the ball paused, weightless. Willy's arm dangled slack behind her back. The serve was into the sun, which at its apex the tennis ball perfectly eclipsed. A corona blazed on the ball's circumference, etching a ring on Willy's retina that would blind-spot the rest of the point."
- Double Fault, Lionel Shriver.
I know some people would say 'but its literary.' No excuse, that is bad, bad writing. Reminds me why I opt for a pared down style.
*Cringing*
Comments
That just felt all 'clunky' (for want of a better word) to read...I had to reread to work out what it was on about.
It was the corona bit that made me queasy. Trying a little bit too hard to build something 'arty' I think. I've been acting out serving an invisible ball, and I don't get the arm going slack thing; do that and your opponent will hit a winner right back.
If it's just a description of a tennis serve at an "ordinary" time, then I agree, it's overdone.
Not good enough at tennis to know about the slack arm but I'll take your word for it, Stirling.
Because it is so overdone you lose track of what is actually happening.
Pretty certain it's an instance of a writer trying to show how clever they are (and failing!)
EDIT: Just read all of the comments.
That's bad, I don't get any of it.
So, No is the answer Susie.
Most probably not.
For me this paragraph epitomises the idea of 'fine writing' in the kill your darling's rule.
When I serve, the ball never pauses. The moment it reaches the top of it's arch - thwack!
Well, she obviously doesn't play tennis . . .
For Probie. An unusual book. Not everyone's cup of tea. Clever, though, and thought-provoking.
I haven't played any tournaments; I am thinking of joining the University's tennis club in September though. Woke up this morning and realised I must have done some RSI; turned out it clicked back into place later. She had dislocated my wrist!
I heard it when it was serialised on Radio 4.
I'd better not tell you what I really think, but it wasn't very positive!