I had to go to the doctor
Cos my ankles were so big.
With massive ankles that size,
I could never do a jig
He put me on some tablets,
Which my old Mum used to hate.
They tend to make you pee a lot.
When they work you cannot wait.
Before we ever took Mum out
We would reconnoitre the site
Establish where the loos where,
And keep them well in sight.
Check she had the money
In case she had to pay.
And prey that there'd be no one there
Who might get it her way.
When I'm out in my camper van
That doesn't worry me.
Cos I have got a bathroom there
If I ever need to pee.
What do you think? Any good?
Comments
Just a few bits for you.
Establish where the loos where > were
Who might get it her way. > i wasn't sure if this was meant to say "Get in her way"
Great poem though!
Regards,
SKRIBE
No problem at all, always happy to help. I am sure we all go through the same situation when your'e writing your own work we probably all tend to look at the final product rather than the minor details.
Regards,
SKRIBE
I think it's got good bones, Codger (just like you!), but maybe a little tightening up with syllables and changing the odd word, would improve it.
The first line, for example, might work better as:
'I visited the doctor'
It's really useful to read rhyming poetry aloud. Where you hear the jar, and the obvious effort to make the rhyming smooth, stop and see if there's a way around it.