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A little word in a poem

Tiny NellTiny Nell
edited September 2014 in Writing
Below is a two line extract from a rhyming poem about chewing gum.

I need to keep the word 'pink' where it is. My question is whether there is a better word than 'for'.
I'd like to say 'cheered me on', but using 'on' would make too many syllables. I've tried 'at', but that wasn't right either.

The crowd drew round and cheered me
for the jutting sphere of pink

Any ideas?

Comments

  • heatherheather
    'for my' rather than 'for the' sounds a bit better to me.

    Or 'enraptured by' instead of ' and cheered me for'.

    Just playing with ideas...
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Yeah, yeah, YEAH!
  • LizyLizy
    You cannot - you really can not - say "MY jutting sphere of pink"

    Think!!
  • heatherheather
    I assumed that was deliberate!

    Anyway, TN is TN and she can - and I'm sure will - say what she likes!!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    edited September 2014
    :))

    Ah, but Lizy, there's lots of context before!

    This is the verse now:

    Edited out:
    Blah, blah, blah, blah...

    Too late to read it, you latecomers!

    Should I move 'with' down to the beginning of line 4? That's where it was originally, but I just moved it up to keep the syllable count even.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Maybe I should change 'my' back to 'the'?
  • heatherheather
    With the first bit changed I think 'the' is better now.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    I'm laughing my little head off now!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Yes, it's reverted to 'the'.

    It is a children's poem, after all! I would hate to be responsible for... for... sullying their innocence - though, of course, I have absolutely no idea to what it is you are referring, Elizabeth.
  • heatherheather
    I would have 'with' on the 4th line.
    The rhythm when you say it sounds much the same but the slight pause for the line-end is in a better place.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Thanks, heather. I was happier with it there. Just needed it confirmed!
  • heatherheather
    edited September 2014
    Just noticed that this isn't a private thread TN.
    Don't know if that bothers you, but if it does you might want to delete your verse.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Ah, OK. Thanks!
  • LizyLizy
    It's 945pm and I've been away. So glad TN and Heather sorted it out between them, but I won't sleep now for wondering whether TN has her pink spheres on show to the little innocents.
  • snailmalesnailmale
    Came to this thread late.

    Thankfully.
  • LizLiz
    I would love to have taken part but was way too late, too.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Liz, you wouldn't have liked it. You would have thought it very da de da-ish.
  • boredrobotsboredrobots
    There was a young woman called Tiny Nell,
    On word choice she sometimes liked to dwell.
    She talked of pink spheres,
    And I was all ears,
    But she didn't mean those bits, oh chuffin' hell!
  • BetsieBetsie
    Take out the words 'the crowd' and put 'crowds' That loses a syllable so you can put 'on'
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    There was a young writer called 'bots
    who tied himself right up in knots.
    Expecting some action,
    drove him to distraction
    but gum words was all that he got.
  • LizyLizy
    edited September 2014
    Bored Robots tried limerick writing
    after Tiny Nell's post so exciting
    but Tiny pink spheres
    got stuck to his ears
    he had never looked quite so inviting
  • LizLiz
    Nell thinks I'm a poetry snob,
    but i'm same as the rest of this mob,
    If it's jutting and pink
    I'll nudge and I'll wink
    though it's only a chewing gum blob...
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