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Below is a two line extract from a rhyming poem about chewing gum.
I need to keep the word 'pink' where it is. My question is whether there is a better word than 'for'.
I'd like to say 'cheered me on', but using 'on' would make too many syllables. I've tried 'at', but that wasn't right either.
The crowd drew round and cheered me
for the jutting sphere of pink
Any ideas?
Comments
Or 'enraptured by' instead of ' and cheered me for'.
Just playing with ideas...
Think!!
Anyway, TN is TN and she can - and I'm sure will - say what she likes!!
Ah, but Lizy, there's lots of context before!
This is the verse now:
Edited out:
Blah, blah, blah, blah...
Too late to read it, you latecomers!
Should I move 'with' down to the beginning of line 4? That's where it was originally, but I just moved it up to keep the syllable count even.
It is a children's poem, after all! I would hate to be responsible for... for... sullying their innocence - though, of course, I have absolutely no idea to what it is you are referring, Elizabeth.
The rhythm when you say it sounds much the same but the slight pause for the line-end is in a better place.
Don't know if that bothers you, but if it does you might want to delete your verse.
Thankfully.
On word choice she sometimes liked to dwell.
She talked of pink spheres,
And I was all ears,
But she didn't mean those bits, oh chuffin' hell!
who tied himself right up in knots.
Expecting some action,
drove him to distraction
but gum words was all that he got.
after Tiny Nell's post so exciting
but Tiny pink spheres
got stuck to his ears
he had never looked quite so inviting
but i'm same as the rest of this mob,
If it's jutting and pink
I'll nudge and I'll wink
though it's only a chewing gum blob...