Need help describing a house.

Babushka Futtocks

Babushka Futtocks

Im trying to write something that is situated in a house.

Can someone help me describe a 14 year old girl's bedroom?

This is what i have written so far and it needs some work.

Chelsea’s bedroom was painted dark pink with a black border and little baby pink stars that were neatly stencilled, scattered sparingly across the middle of the wall. Despite the dark colours, the room was unusually bright and even lighter when the last of the afternoon sun shafted in through the pink blinds.  The rays danced on the ceiling, creating patterns on the walls and carpeted floor.
This was the biggest room upstairs and Chelsea didn’t share it, unlike me.  I shared my average sized bedroom with my older sister and younger sister.  Our room was unfurnished as we’d moved in a month ago but before we moved to a three bedroom house in Wimbledon, I only shared with my older sister.
A familiar noise of a car horn sounded from my coat pocket.  I’d received a text message.  Taking the phone out of my pocket, I saw that the text message was from Amanda.  Clicking on the button to retrieve it, I read what was written.
“Hav U found her dairy yet???”
This was the third dare.
Amanda had dared me to go into Chelsea’s bedroom and look for her diary.  It was the most challenging out of the other two.
I’d left my old school because I was getting picked on.  It was my parent’s decision and so I left to join my new school.  I didn’t want to get picked on again.  I wanted to belong. 

Viv

Unusual name you are using!! I think your room description is fine but it's not the most  important part of your story, is it? You are starting with the long descriptions and then moving into the action and dialogue. Try the other way round. Get into what is actually happening and then fill in a bit of background and description but not all in one big block. We need to know who these people are before we get the history of who sleeps where, and where they used to live etc. Starting with the 'Have you found her diary yet?' This was the third dare.. lines would be better (and I don't really think you meant dairy!) as it's more intriguing and hooks the reader in to the story. Then work in some background later.

Babushka Futtocks

Forgot to say its supposed to be a short story of 2,000 words.

What i have written here, is just me writing what i want to write but not so soon.

I like what you said about the action starting off first.  I'd like that.

The focal point is the house.

I use this name all the time!

Babushka Futtocks

I actually did mean to write "dairy"!  I was going to let the main character comment on that but i thought i'd just let it pass.

midia

Hi Babushka!
My 14 year old daughters bedroom is a mass of clothes on the floor, rather than the laundry basket, posters of Greenday on the walls and a haze of Impulse in the air!

Viv

Interesting that you say the focal point is the house. The house may be the setting for your story and may turn out to be important in some way to the plot, but try to let the characters matter most. Without them and their problems there will be no story. If you are going to leave dairy in as a deliberate mis-spell you will have to make that clear straight away (Oh, Amanda never was any good at spelling) or readers will just think it's a mistake. Good luck with the story. Have you written it all or just the bit posted here?
PS The third dare can't be the most challenging out of the other two - this doesn't make sense. Try more challenging than the other two.

Carol

The type of room a 14 year old girl would have would depend very much on her. Has she been a rebel- so it's going to be untidy, posters of singers her mother would prefer she didn't follow. Or a placid anxious to please type- very girly, probably neat and tidy.
Remembering my room at 14, I'd chosen a dark green close patterned William Morris wallpaper, with matching curtains and bedspread (yes same design as the wallpaper).

Babushka Futtocks

Thanks for replying.

I have started it again but having trouble writing it. 

"Hav U found da diary yet???"
The urgency in Amanda's text made me panic.

And that's all i have written.  I want to write about being persistant and the triple question  marks but i can't get the words out!  Also, is there a word such as PERSISTANCY?

Sorry, i am having a great deal of trouble writing this short story. 

Chelsea is a nice girl. She's the one at school who gets picked on.

Goldie (who is in Chelsea's room) has been dared three times by three girls in a gang.

Amanda, Nicole and Rachel are in the gang, dislike Chelsea.

Goldie has just moved to a new school and wants to fit in.  So, she's been asked by these three girls to break into Chelsea's house.

Think Goldielocks and the Three Bears but Three Dares.

A fairytale for adults.

Carol

As it's intended to be a 2,000 word short story, hopefully you will only be having to deal with the two girls Chelsea and Goldie in it, as too many characters is a no no. Also you need the main plot only, there isn't room for subplots.
Sorry if you already know this but it is always useful to remind ourselves.
If you don't think it will work like that, then you probably need to consider it as a longer short story which will give you more room to use the other characters etc.

Viv

No to persistancy. It's persistence. I like the Goldilocks and the three dares idea but agree that you will have to limit the number of characters in your story. Include too many, or even mention too many, and the reader doesn't have time in only 2000 words to work out who they all are. Now, go on and write it. Two lines is not enough! You can always edit and change it later, but you have to write it first.

Isabella King

Excuse me for sticking my oar in but I don't see why you need to go into such detail describing the bedroom - unless you're writing for a house and home magazine. I don't mean to be derisive but if the scene is about the dare and the diary maybe you could have the ray of sun light up the diary you're looking for and simply make mention of something pertinent to a fourteen year old...pink mobile phone, school book or posters on the wall that would let your reader know how old Chelsea is.

Betsie

If you are attempting the short story form remember that if it doesn't move the plot along chances are you don't need it.

Babushka Futtocks

With the three girls daring Goldie, im not going to mention them much.  Just that they text her at certain times.  Mostly i am describing the house because its the focal point but im not going to spend a lot of time describing the bedroom BUT that is where i think im going to have to let it start, where she gets caught so she can tell the story of the other dares in all the other rooms.

What i have written here of the room, is not all of it, i will get into describing the room more and the rest of the house as the story unfolds.

Isabella King

I'm sorry, now I see why you feel the house is important - three bowls of porrige in the kitchen...and so on. But the story isn't about the house, is it? Isn't it about the girl doing the dares?

Viv

Back to what i said earlier, and I can see that Isabella agrees with me - write about the people. The  reader doesn't need  huge room descriptions in a short story, even if the house is important. And you say you are going to decribe the bedrooom even MORE! later in the story. Be careful not to overdo it.

Babushka Futtocks

I only thought about writing this story a week ago.  What i have written so far is just the draft and i'm sure once i've written what i think is OK, i will change it to suit a short story.

The girls will not play a part in the story, only when they text Goldie.

I will write about the bedroom as much as i can at the moment but later on i will edit it so that its spread out a bit.

Im just at the thinking stage at the moment.  Im sure once i have written it all out and keep on amending it, it'll all be clear in the end.

Just to clear things up, i do have probs writing a short story!

Woll22

Have you ever thought of going through the property pages. Why don't you pop into an estate agents and ask for some particulars, saying you are contemplating a possible move perhaps.  Go on the net and do a search.  Have you got young relations, have a look at their rooms for possible ideas.  That should be something to be getting on with for a while.

Island Girl

My almost 14 yo daughter (mid Sept) lives in a self-induced pig-sty in the middle of our house. Although she's a very 'girly' girl (surprising having so many brothers) she throws her clothes into the middle of the floor when she's done with them. And after 3 changes of clothes a day, it does have a tendency to build up. (Re: Midia's comments - not as uncommon as you would think) We live with the constant phrase reverberating around our house, "Have you tidied your room yet?" and "Don't even THINK of having so-and-so here this weekend for a sleepover if that room's not cleaned up!" (Doesn't make a difference) No posters. She wants muted mauvy/pinky coloured walls to replace kiddie-type murals but it's not going to happen until she cleans up. (Never going to happen) Cosmetics and cheap jewellery that she never uses is EVERYWHERE. (as well as clothing) Anything else you want to know about a 14 year old girl's room - ask away.

Carol

IG, I'm glad your kids do that too, I thought mine were just the victims of an incompetent mother!

Tessa Tangent

Hello?  You could introduce the scenario as you go along.  As in a camera-sweep of the story, like in a short film.  So the girl has the dare to raid the room.

OK, she goes into the room, has to find the diary/dairy (because it's spelt that way or something).  She can just about make out the unruly bed beyond the pile of clothes on the floor, odd cds caseless on the floor, two radio/cd players, an old half-eaten pizza hurled from a plate, a chest of drawers strewn with make-up, an old drink grown into fungus in a mug, beads, ear-rings, deoderants and bookshelves.  Bookshelves lined with everything from Enid Blyton to Rowling to Books of Spells (the Witchy phase), to books in French and Spanish.... and Maths.

etc. etc.

and then she alights on The Diary/Dairy!  The tension has arisen from wading her way round the room and the time ticking away before the girl comes home.

It really doesn't matter about the colour of the wallpaper.  We are talking about the character of that person, not how their parents have decorated the room.  Unless that is an important part of the story.

Any help?

Tessa Tangent

Meant to say, that's from someone who's girl is now 17 but the room stays as it was when she was 14.