Howdy, Stranger!
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
Quick Links
Welcome to Writers Talkback. If you are a new user, your account will have to be approved manually to prevent spam. Please bear with us in the meantime
Comments
I am currently rewriting the first book in the 8 (and possibly more!) book series that I am aiming to complete sometime this century. I need your opinion on the following scene:
"After wandering aimlessly through London for several hours, she found herself standing on the Battersea Bridge later that evening.
Leaning over the parapet, she peered sightlessly into the Thames. Not that there was a lot to see. A dense fog had settled in offensive layers over the river, like full fat milk frothing gleefully on the surface of a skinny latte.
She briefly contemplated bringing closure to her unfortunate life by vaulting into the waters. However, with her current luck, she decided that she would probably break her ankle going over the edge, crack her skull on some random piece of driftwood, and wake up in hospital with her mother peering down at her and muttering,
Susan, Susan, what were you thinking?
With that idea overruled, she went back to examining the murky waters and looking for the meaning of life in the drifting debris. Lost in her thoughts, she was oblivious to the uniformed copper who stopped briefly a few steps behind her. Had she been paying attention, she would have seen the man peer closely at her expensive tailored suit, her fashionable shoes, her elegantly made up hair and, more importantly, the fearful scowl on her face. His expression before he beat a hasty retreat would then have given her some idea as to his train of thought, which had, in all probability, gone along the lines of No man in his right mind should try to stop this woman from jumping into the river, not unless he wanted to go home in a body bag. And had she been present at his station forty eights hours later, she would have witnessed his I feel like a right muggins expression when he saw her picture on a missing person report.
Instead, Susan glowered myopically at the piece of driftwood floating past her line of vision. She had just spotted the particular wooden item, which bore a striking resemblance to the hooked nose of Mr Jenkins, he of the deep seated pathological fear of all things dentistry. It had reminded her of that ill-fated day when her life had gone swirling down the drains like so much waste water."
The question is, am I correctly describing the policeman's thought processes from Susan's point of view, i.e. using her observations/perceptions of another character's emotions/thoughts (the book is written in third person, with Susan as the main character) or am I actually being the omniscient author and addressing the reader directly, which I'm told is a no-no in third person storytelling?
First of all, I love your description of the foggy Thames - conjures a vivid picture!
The POV question - this could work better if Susan made eye contact with the policeman. Perhaps rather than you, the writer, speculating on his thoughts you could have Susan doing so.
Maybe she could even think she projects the thought to him, "Try to stop me and you'll be in a body bag on the slab next to me!" And he briefly meets her glare and hurries away.
She could then think, "That's right, don't get involved, but I'd like to see your face when mine turns up on a missing persons report in a day or two."
I don't know if that approach would work for you or if it is important that Susan doesn't see the man watching her.
Hope that is of some help.
Love it - particularly the comment about her mother's reaction if she'd failed in her attempt to jump!
The only comment I have is to suggest you delete the word "the" before "Battersea Bridge". Speaking personally as a Londoner it doesn't read right to me. Only the Millenium Bridge has "the" put in front of it, none of the others do. Just a local quirk! Other than that it's great! Good luck!
Susan is looking into the river,so she can't see the policeman behind her, so how can she see his thoughts or expressions? You have to picture this as a film scene.
I would rather intorduce the copper separately ie
Standing a couple of feet away a policeman looked at the woman standing near the railings, elegantly dressed etc- one look at her side profile confirmed in his mind thatshe wanted to be left alone, only a muggins would try to intervene; after a pause he turned around and walked away.
something along them lines- hope that helps; but again an engaging piece of writing.
Really, how important is his being there?
Initially, the whole policeman scene was written from the point of view of the man himself. Except I hadn't separated it with a line break. Good point about whether the policeman is essential. The original scene reads funnier than the above rewrite and was meant to give an indirect insight into the main character, as in she can be a bit scary. I'm probably acting like one of those writers who feels that cutting out a scene is like amputating a finger :-) I have been good in other parts of the rewrite where entire paragraphs have been ruthlessly culled!
If I want to keep the scene, I think I'll line break it and do it from the copper's POV.
Ta again everyone!
It made me think again about some of my own writing.
Thanks everyone
Cutting IS painful sometimes.