Lonely Hearts

Jay Mandal

Does anyone else read the Lonely Hearts columns? They’ve inspired me to write several stories, as well as provided amusement with their inability to spell ‘accommodation’ correctly and their abbreviation of North Hants to Northants.

I’ve noticed a recent trend: the men seeking men are often what one might call ‘mature’, and some have a predilection for cross-dressing. (There are also more bisexuals placing adverts nowadays.) Women seeking women, however, are frequently widows in search of someone to have a coffee and a chat with. Occasionally you will find a stray M seeks F in the gay sections.

Unlike women, who are usually reticent on the subject, bi and gay men are upfront about seeking 'a first-time experience’.

The print is small, and I’m long-sighted, both of which contribute to my misreading of numbers – is he really 80? – and words - ‘homy’ instead of ‘horny’. I still wonder what’s behind the ‘cannot accommodate’ and ‘clean’ references; and ponder whether people are confused by the abbreviations TV (transvestite or television?); CD (compact disk or cross-dresser?); and NS (non-scene or non-smoker?).

Below are excerpts from some of the short stories where I’ve mentioned lonely hearts. I hope you enjoy reading them. I do hope my publisher won’t mind my quoting them.

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‘Invitation to Dine’

Gay guy, 40s, sincere, loving and gentle, would like to meet a nice guy for friendship and perhaps romantic times.

Gay guy, 40, loving, caring and honest, seeks similar for fun, friendship, hopefully relationship.

******************

‘Brotherly Love’

Nice guy, late twenties, friendly, honest, easy-going, straight, looking for long term relationship would like to meet similar female

Changed to

Nice guy, etc, etc, straight-looking would like to meet similar for long term relationship.

******************

‘Lost and Found’

Phil, who met Andy in The White Swan last year, please get in touch.

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‘World Enough’

Francis, miss you. Daniel.

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‘A Lucky Escape’

“Buy,” the audience shouted.

“Sell!” Andy yelled.

“It’s not an auction. We’re guessing whether the lonely hearts advertisers are straight or gay.”

“Or both.”

“Dave,” the Master of Ceremonies continued, undeterred, “thirty-one, brown hair, blue eyes, smoker, likes the countryside, WLTM someone for friendship, maybe relationship.”

“Definitely straight,” Andy said. “Dave is not a gay name. Do you know any Daves who are gay?”

“My ex-boyfriend,” Graham said through gritted teeth.

“Ah, now he was a David, not a Dave. There’s a world of difference.”

******************

‘The Restaurant’

“So, if he won’t go clubbing, what else is there?” asked Col.

“The small ads.”

“Don’t let’s get personal.”

Hush Puppy

Hi Jay. I actually met my Seadog after answering his ad for a penfriend in the 'Lonely Hearts' section of our local FreeADs. He was just going back to sea after a spell off with severe depression (because his first wife had left him for someone else) and he realised that he was going to miss getting letters. We met up 6 months later when he was on leave, and the rest is history. That first letter was in June 1992, we met up on December 28th 1992 and this July it will be our tenth wedding anniversary. I always tell people that I 'got him in the Bargain Basement section.'

Daisy

What a romantic way to meet.

Jenny

There was a misprint in our local paper once. A man had intended his ad to read 'I am strong'. What they printed was 'I am string'.

mcbemused

Nice one, Jenny! Love a good misprint!

Carol

If you don't know what the abbreviations mean, a naive person could really get in a muddle.
Have to agree that HP's story is lovely, did anyone think that you hadn't got him in the Bargain Basement section? They did exist at one time.
Wonder if anyone responded to the 'string' guy? Misprints are fun.

Mutley

I wrote replies to a number of ads (years ago), I never posted them. A friend of mine has both run an ad and answered others. It is a fascinating area. I did try internet dating and it gave me some very funny stories, not least the bloke who set fire to the menu in the restaurant!

Josette

Was that a hot date, Mutley?

Mutley

Ha ha. It was a nightmare. He was so arrogant that I ended up spending the evening cutting him down to size. Neither one of us wanted to see the other again.

Josette

So, you shot him down in flames! Good for you.

Mutley

he he.

cooper

Once met a woman over the net and we moved in together. Turned out to be the worst relationship ever and cost me money. Just goes to show, be careful folks, not everything is as it seems.

P.S. Got over it now.

Hush Puppy

Hi Carol. Most people don't believe that I actually got Seadog from the paper at all. They think I'm joking. He was definitely bargain basement though..... he cost me all of 60p and a stamp, and he was certainly a bargain!
Hugs,
HP

Carol

That's lovely HP.

mcbemused

I found my OH under a sink in the bar I was working in...

Hardly romantic, but at least I knew he could fix a sink. Comes in handy, that.

Jenny

He was allowed out from under the sink sometimes, wasn't he?!!!

Carol

Mine came into the library for a book/magazine.

boredrobots

I met my partner on the internet as well, been together over 2 years now and still happy. We arranged to meet in Borders for the first time as it was the only shop she could find in town and i spend most of my time there anyway. Everytime I walk past a certain section of books i think about how we first met...

Jenny

My husband and I (she said regally!) met at a square dance. (Don't laugh - they're actually a lot of fun!!)

Mutley

I met my husband at University on my first day. We were best friends but no more. He went his way I went mine. Twenty years later, when his marriage failed, I was just being the friend I had always been. Except we fell in love instead and married 18 months ago.

mcbemused

Aaaah! Friends to lovers - a good combination.

I can still remember my first words to my other half - so romantic - 'are you going to be long under there, only I've a bar to open you know!'

Then there was the big romantic proposal - 'Shall we get married then?' 'Ok, I'm free Friday afternoon - you?' and so we took the afternoon off work, got married and lived ever after. That was nearly 30 years ago. A bit of romance wouldn't go amiss, but I guess it's too late for him to learn that now!

Celtic C

Aw, you lot are so romantic. Typical nurse, I met my OH at work!

mcbemused

Not surprised there CC - what with long hours and shift work you have to do it must be difficult having a social life with someone who is not another medic!

Carol

Mine was at work- that's where the works library was. :)

Jenny

McB - Your 'first words' are the stuff that successful sitcoms are made of!

There's obviously an opening for nationwide courses in Romance and How to Do It (or words to that effect)!

mcbemused

I think I'm living in a sit-com Jenny - I certainly have a houseful of comedians living here!

Celtic C

I could imagine the TBers on one of those shows where you just have to ad lib all the time - it would be priceless.

Mutley

I'm a different house in your sit com McB. It's a better thought than this being a soap opera but the jury is out.

Verica

I loved reading these. What a set of romantics we are! My husband and I met at Waterloo Station, going on a package holiday to to Jersey and that was it. We were inseparable there during the days and evenings (that was before the permissive era), became engaged three months later and married seven months after this - 51 years ago, but honestly, it doesn't seem so long ago and we feel very lucky to have met each other.

Also, I liked your auction story excerpt, Jay.

I'm often intrigued by the abbreviations in advertisements. One particular one LTR I thought meant laughter, but someone told me it doesn't. What does it mean?

Mutley

Verica, that really is lovely. I'm a romantic at heart.

Carol

Perhaps we should have a thread that explains all these abbreviations we hear. Jay can start with his repertiore. (Sorry not sure of that spelling)

Jay Mandal

Sorry, Carol, what do you mean exactly?

LTR = long-term relationship.

My editor (in Canada) wasn't familiar with gsoh (good sense of humour), and it came back to me as 'gosh'.

Carol

Yes Jay, like LTR, I wondered what that meant. You see a lot of them around, and a few you can work out.

GCH- Gas Central Heating in eastate agent speak (or something like that).

Hush Puppy

Verica, my parents are a bit like you and your husband. They met at work, started going out in Febraury, engaged in April and married in September. This year it will be their 56th Anniversary.

dorothyd

I met my ex through his friend dating my flatmate. He asked me if I liked the Rolling Stones (like do I ever) and he loaned me his precious collection of LPs. Ah ... long gone days,
Very little romance there, despite 23 years of marriage. I have had more romance from the guys than from my ex!

Jay Mandal

A wondered whether a friend of Dorothy had placed the lonely heart with the heading:

A Happy Medium.

flyingtart

If they were abusive they could say "Likes to strike a happy medium".

Bill

This sounds unlikely, corny, and made up, but I swear it's true.

She came to stay for Christmas. My wife's best friend. I kissed her under the mistletoe. We've been at it ever since.

I had three children. There was an awful lot of emotional fallout. Traumatic. But the dust settled a long, long time ago, and we're all the best of friends. My wife and my ex were chatting on the phone for half an hour yesterday.

These things happen.

Hickey

Yes, Jay, I read them too sometimes. And the obituaries.
You should probably check my spelling on that one... I never spell-check... but you're just such a perfectionist (or appear to be) at times. I switch the grammar checker OFF.

Jay Mandal

oBITCHuary - last chance to speak ill of the dead.
Afraid I probably am.

cooper

Wow Bill. That's quite something.

Jay Mandal

Ideal soul mate for a writer in both our local newspapers this week. The advertiser says he 'likes read wine'.

Jay Mandal

I forgot 'Operation Lonely Heart' from the collection 'A Different Kind of Love'. I sent the story to Meera Syal who commented: "Very poignant and well observed." She also suggested I get in touch with her publisher.

Excerpt from 'Operation Lonely Heart':

'Slim, dark hair, blue eyes,' he read for the umpteenth time. Most of the population fitted that description. Even he had dark hair and blue eyes; he was working on slim.

©

Carol

Love that last bit-'he was working on slim.' Says so much.

flyingtart

Sorry, who's Slim?

Carol

:rolleyes:

Celtic C

Isn't he a cowboy? :-)

Jay Mandal

Thanks, Carol.

Slim Pickins.

Jay Mandal

FT, I swear I hadn't read your limerick post when I posted three minutes ago!

flyingtart

Oh dear, Jay. Not again....?

Jay Mandal

I'd do a rueful smilie, but I can only do :-)!