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Adjectives in genre writing
I've finally taken the plunge and begun my first effort at a short story in the Sci-Fi genre. On these forums I've seen advice for fiction writers to get rid of adjectives. Is this really necessary, and is it a matter of stripping most but not all out?
Comments
Less is often more.
It's interesting to read what Stephen King says about 'said' in 'On Writing'. He's all in favour of it, plain and simple. He points out the dangers of coming across high falutin' and contrived if you attempt to use too many alternatives to 'said'. I'm inclined to agree with him and given the level of his success it's hard not to. Nevertheless, on balance the schools are right surely. If a student doesn't learn what the alternative verbs are, he'll never have the knowledge to make the choice.
On the other hand, I remember when I was at school,Claudia, thoroughly enjoying and being excited by the great range of adjectives in the English language. I think what has happened is that contemporary writing has been influenced by the fashion for cinema-style fast editing: create an image, flash it, move on to the next one. No time or opportunity for a little flourish with an adjective here or there. I do agree with you, Claudia, that we should resist the pressure to clear out all the adjectives in favour of the lean mean cut-to-the-bone narrative. The way I handle it is to indulge myself in adjectives (but I don't pig out) in the scene setting but I keep them out of my action and dialogue sections.
To clarify my post (if it needs clarification) - I just think it's a good idea to let children learn/absorb as much vocabularly as possible. I can't stand the thought that so many kids now only seem to know one or two adjectives: 'cool' and 'awesome' spring to mind! ;)
As far as we writers are concerned - yes, we should be careful with our use of adjectives and adverbs and not overdo them.
Think of any film which you've seen which you really like and see if you can remember a sequence where the protagonist is arriving at some important location (Elizabeth Bennet arriving at Darcy's stately pile in Derbyshire) or whats-'er-name (Kate Winslett) embarking on the Titanic. Now imagine converting that into prose; imagine that someone set you the task of doing that. I think in those instances the environment is making such an impression on the protagonist that the best way to convey those portentous moments is through description; it can be a very powerful tool. It's just occured to me that Attanasio contrasts the POVs by having them give their own impressions of the same location, at times: same place, different descriptions. That has to be a very engaging way of making contrast between your characters.
I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that I don't think a writer should worry too much about doing things in equal proportions. If you feel a description coming over you, from the heart, do it. You'll convey that enthusiasm to the reader and the description also conveys to the reader alot about the protagonists character in the sense that what a person notices about a scenario helps others to understand their character. I say the sense of proportion will come naturally. You as writer will know intuitively how much description to put in because it comes from the heart. When it starts to get tedious is probably a sign that you've written enough. Just go for it I say and don't inhibit yourself. As I said before you can always cut it later.
I think to sum it up I'd argue that there are times when you can view description as part of the action, or a preview to the action.
Imagine a half-hour programme of Coronation Street being written in prose. That would be a very useful exercise for creative writing tutors to give their students, I'll be bound, but I want to focus only on the descriptions of setting that would be required. As Deirdre talks to Ken, a few words would be all that was required to mention that they're in the dining room, conducting their battle across plates of lasagne. It's a setting the reader/viewer is very familiar with and the setting is of no importance. On the other hand, what if Peter is trying to wangle a secret assignation with Becky and can only do so in the bar at the Rovers for want of any other opportunities? In fact the pub is wretchedly busy tonight and he will have to conduct his gambiting in subdued tones when there are all sorts of people around who would certainly be interested parties if they only knew the nature of their conversation. This makes everyone in the pub part of the setting: a potentially volatile, personal setting who/which must be described as looking in their direction at critical moments, or brushing past with interruptions and asides.
As you say, PBW, these tit-bits of description, masquerading as action tangents, will be brought into the forward running story line at the heart of the scene, as will other details of props, like what drinks they're having, how Peter spills Becky's drink down her bosom, horrendously drawing the whole pub's attention to their conversation, etc. Character, description, action: they are all one. And they are all indispensible.
Then, when Becky (inexplicably) agrees to meet in secret, what sort of place does Peter choose. How tempting? How appealing? And what part does the setting play in enabling him to engineer that first kiss? Description suddenly becomes far more important, for plot-line reasons.
I got pulled up for over describing when I submitted my whole novel for literary advice. I'll add the original version of a passage here (quite long), then post again with what the editor advised, and how I have the same passage in its latest version.
Early draft:
They were the curiosity of the moment. Four foreign visitors who had chanced into the royal domain, strangely dressed, unintelligible and yet surprisingly self-reliant. They were exhibited on a mat of tiger skin, several pelts joined into one, where they sat looking out at those who sat looking in.
Are we prisoners or what? wondered Ratch, feeling a lot better now that he wasnt being held and squeezed but realising too that the hunks who had planted him on the mat and walked away could just as easily come and get him again if he didnt play ball.
This is doing my head in, muttered Diane, lying on one elbow and fiddling with the fringe of her scarf. Even animals in the zoo dont get gorped at by two or three hundred people at once, and that smell... its sickening; its giving me a real head-ache.
A combination of perfumes drifted through the night air, heady but sweetly fragrant.
A large part of it will be those flames, said Al, keeping his voice low to avoid any risk of giving offense. He was referring to the continuous line of flame along the gallery roof of the second enclosure, surrounding them on three sides with a brilliant yellow light that flickered several feet into the air, casting a floodlit effect over the entire courtyard within. The night sky above them was all the more black, while every feature of the elaborately engraved stonework was thrown into a brilliant relief by the illumination. You cant get that much burning going on without a lot of emissions, and it could be bees wax or some vegetable compound thats going up in smoke. Then there are all those flowers.
Draped from the gallery porticoes and hanging from every possible column on all sides hung lavish bouquets of azaleas, fortunatas and jasmine, their colours grouped in shades of orange on this side, merging smoothly into masses of pink, then mauve, azure, green and cream.
On the fourth side of the enclosure rose the decorated screen of the inner enclosure, its grey stone flickering with the dimly reflected wall of light. And above it, faintly disappearing into the depths of the night sky, the glowering shape of the Bakan with its quincunx of lotus towers, each tower spotted on every blossom point of every circular level with specks of light no brighter than if they were individual candle flames standing steadily in the distance.
Majat is worrying, said their Cambodian friend, sitting cross-legged like Al and Ratch and rocking nervously to and fro. There is power and forcing in these people. They are squashing us like flies in two minutes only.
Al scanned the tiers of on-lookers clad in loose silken robes, some worn open and revealing a sampot, the combination between a skirt and a baggy pair of pants that was worn by everyone in the stone reliefs. The women didnt seem too fussed about covering their breasts. Behind them, in an unbroken line elbow to elbow, stood a wall of warriors around the three walls of the enclosing gallery, their sweating skin gleaming beneath the flame-light.
I dont know whether we have anything to fear right now, he told his group. The reaction to us seems to have calmed down. These rows of people are relaxed on their couches and cushions and look pleased to see us. The guards have withdrawn instead of being between us and them. Id say they want to treat us as friends.
The quite substantial passages where you digress into detailed description represent a variation of Telling, but with the same results: the loss of Al, who is the narrative centre of the novel, and a slackening of pace. Providing your readers with vivid visual pictures can be a commendable aim, but you need to keep in mind both your audience and the overall aims of your novel. Long descriptive passages, often loaded with adjectives, are certain to lose the interest of teenage readers; furthermore, in a fantasy/ quest/ adventure story, its absolutely crucial to maintain pace and dramatic tension.
Id suggest that you consider deleting most of these passages; rewriting them in Als voice wont really solve them, as most of the details youve selected for mention arent ones that he would notice or comment on. Look specifically for lengthy passages of description, and those where you begin to Tell events (in a he did this, he did that manner). Often the absence of direct speech can indicate problem areas. I know it may be hard to sacrifice so much material, but I feel very strongly it needs to be done for the benefit of the book overall.
Edited version (after conversion to first person POV and various name changes):
Are we prisoners or what? Dunk asked as I emptied the last maggots out of my trainers and onto our mat of tiger skins. I feel like Ive been squeezed like a lemon.
Even animals in the zoo dont get gorped at by two hundred people at once, Laura muttered, using her cardigan to dab the red scratch marks on her arm from when those creatures attacked her, and that smell... its doing my head in.
I had a head-ache too and could see what was doing it. Itll be those flames along the gallery roof, I said. The brilliant light surrounded us on three sides and threw a floodlit effect over the courtyard making the night sky all the more black. Then there are all those flowers hanging from the columns.
I was holding my tears back as I spoke. A bit of a head-ache was the least of my worries. The loss of my closest friend was filling me with misery, and even saving Mum and the stupid heritage wasnt going to bring him back.
Majat is worrying, said our friend, rocking to and fro in his uniform. Power and forcing is in these people. They are squashing us like flies in two minutes only.
Like Laura, he must have felt exposed in front of the rows of on-lookers in silk robes. Behind us stood a wall of warriors around the enclosing gallery, wearing no more than the baggy short pants that were worn by everyone in the stone frescoes. Their bronze skin gleamed in the light of the flames.
I dont think weve anything to be scared about, I said. Id say they want to treat us as friends. Dont forget were foreigners, found on the royal premises, in weird clothes and we cant speak to them.
Dwight, the posts are extremely useful.
When I have more time to concentrate I will read in detail the above posts- I promise...:)
It should not be forgotten that most films are an interpretation of written scenes.
Jane Austen used many descriptive words, "Pride and Prejudice" already possessed many imaginative enthusiasts before film versions were produced. It is quite likely, as proven by past threads on Talkback, that allocation of actors to characters influence a host more fans.
It would have been Walter Lord's description of the Titanic drama, in his book "A Night to Remember", that inflenced subsequent writings and film portrayals.
Paperbackwriter poses much worth for debate to ponder. Personally; I think the point that description has its place in appropriate moments of the story, is imperative to enjoyment of a fully rounded tale.
[quote= Dwight]did I kill this thread then?[/quote]
Not at all. It is just necessity in absorbing consequence and implication of expressed views that delays courage to commit personal views for such critical study.
Reading, style and preference, probably has more diverse requirements than authors actually write. Whilst I applaud need for description, particularly adjectives, in ensuring accuracy of intended interpretation; there is a limit before the description becomes a burden that swamps story progress.
An example of too much author narration would be Thomas Hardy. His characters wander off on the trail of lustful fulfilment. Then; they enjoy their salacious indulgence whilst the reader is treated to several thousand words describing a butterfly skipping across every petal of meadow species. We only catch up with protagonists as they dust pollen whilst straightening clothing.
Now I have probably upset those who enjoy Thomas Hardy's style of writing.
I'm only now waking up to the power of Philip Pullman as I read his Northern Lights. His style is so lyrical in this book that it took some getting used to at first; a sort of fairy story for teenagers. His heroine, Lyra, discovers something of importance in the early pages but then goes off on deep escapades as she grubs around Oxford with her urchin playmates. Nothing to do with the things she had discovered and where the plot lay. Until we learn that we are seeing this girl in depth - and she is deep. I suppose the more an author reveals about their protagonist's doings, the deeper we will know them. And incidentally we are rarely told anything about her; we see her in action. So this is how we learn that young Lyra has a vivid imagination, can turn her hand to just about anything and is a born leader. All of which explains a lot more about her that we discover later on. What a clever book this is. No wonder it won the the Guardian Award, the BBA Children's Book of the Year and the Carnegie Medal.
A very good example of what I was attempting to illustrate.
Thank you Dwight. Philip Pullman's "Dark Matters" trilogy is an excellent illustration of need for description. As you observe, his knack of showing the reader each character's attributes by illustrated sub-plots, creates easy means of escaping "real" world into "imaginary" world(s).
The three books combine into one mighty tome from their individual sections. Those street urchins and gypsies fully justify the eloquence of embellishments that enable the readers eye to see them.
Philip Pullman's books are exceptional, they really are. I simply devoured them, the detail, the intricacies of his characters, especially Lyra, is amazing.
We need description to some degree. I recently thought, I need a book to fall into, to lose myself in, so went to Howard Spring who spends a lot of time describing Manchester and then Cornwall in equal proportions (his two homes) and they come alive because of it. But the stories are gentle and can take that kind of descriptive writing. A thriller could not. It depends so much on what you are writing.
On the fourth side of the enclosure rose the decorated screen of the inner enclosure, its grey stone flickering with the dimly reflected wall of light. And above it, faintly disappearing into the depths of the night sky, the glowering shape of the Bakan with its quincunx of lotus towers, each tower spotted on every blossom point of every circular level with specks of light no brighter than if they were individual candle flames standing steadily in the distance.[/quote]
I'm going to stick my neck out and say I love it I love it! I can almost imagine I am there! What a shame editors these days have to be such a slave to fashion that wonderful description like this - which in my mind - builds up the tension, has to be edited out. I'm not cutting mine, I tell ya!
Not sure if I said it on this thread or another one, but my duke ended his sections
I do not know, I will not know. Editor took them out. It was much better without them. The duke agreed, and he dictated the thing in the first place. It was too clever by half. Some description fits into that category, too clever by half.
Dorothy can I ask is this what you meant By 'there is no right or wrong way for writing?'
And im not picking a fight by the way just to see how you look at it.
Dwight I liked the description, needs trimming perhaps but i'd keep it in- and its not necessary for all descriptive passages to build tension.
When the book/story is done and you send it out, if you ignore the advice given to you by the editor, who is your first serious reader, forget the rest, this is the person who can yea or nay your work, then you are being just a little foolish. Henry VIII's book underwent radical rewrites, removing great chunks, some of his diversions and chatter, to bring it back into a semblance of a life story. We also added pages and pages where he had skimmed over some things. We took the editor's advice and we know, both of us, that it makes for a better book.
Remember this, always: the book is your darling, your baby, whatever you want to think of it. When it goes out, it becomes just another book and you cannot be possessive about your long flowing descriptions or diatribes (which we had in Henry's book) because your editor knows the market potential much better than you do. Much better!
Does this make sense? I rejected a book recently which needed 3/4 of it to be slashed- in its entirety. I hated the character and all that he brought to the book. It has now come back to me minus that person, completely rewritten. I haven't got to the edit process yet but the chances are the author now has a 2 book contract where before he had just 1.
(Explanation, in case you think that is me being an editor throwing a hissy fit, the series is supposedly about one woman and her time in the 'harem' of a black potentate in darkest Africa. 1/4 of the way into the second book the woman disappeared and a man became the centre of the story, right through to the very end. It didn't fit, it had to go.)
I have actually charted my progress with my books so far in various threads, working with Guy Fawkes, writing Henry VIII's book and so on. In each I have said how the book has had to be amended to make it marketable. Guy's book went through three revisions, and then another revision when my editor was done, picking up the points missed the first time round.
For those who don't know already, I am a total Elvis buff. My favourite CDs are those taped during rehearsals. He was known to record some songs up to 32 times before deciding it was right. Why should we worry about our constant revisions?
No I know it really. It's just that I do love description and I always fear that there's a danger of throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I think there is a lot of Dwight's description which is worth keeping in but maybe has to go elsewhere, but I'm just a person who likes to read quite detailed description because it creates the images in my head and then when the storyline is resumed I've got the film running in my head, as it were. But of course no, I wouldn't go against an editor.
[quote=dwight]the continuous line of flame along the gallery roof of the second enclosure, surrounding them on three sides with a brilliant yellow light that flickered several feet into the air, casting a floodlit effect over the entire courtyard within. The night sky above them was all the more black, while every feature of the elaborately engraved stonework was thrown into a brilliant relief by the illumination.[/quote]
I particularly liked this sentence because it gave me a visual backdrop to the plight of the protagonists, that's all. I just feel that the edited version lacks the visual imagery that I enjoyed in the first version but I emphasise again that the editor knows better than me and I am just expressing a personal opinion, that's all.
There's something of H. Rider Haggard (King Solomon's Mines) in Dwight's writing, which I like, but I guess that's just my personal taste.
Well, I'll be darned, PBW. There IS something of Rider Haggard in my writing, I suppose. When I read King Solomon's Mines about 3 years ago, I created a file called Descriptive techniques used by H Rider Haggard - a long one. I had loved the way, as you say, he furnished his reader with constant visual backdrops, and in fact used them to create tension and feeling, so I went through the whole book analysing how he did it.
The sentence you quoted is good at creating that visual setting, making it almost filmic. I wonder if I could get away with restoring it to the MS?
The sun sank and the world was wreathed in shadows. But not for long, for see in the east there is a glow, then a bent edge of silver light, and at last the full and glorious moon peeps above the plain and shoots its gleaming arrows far and wide, filling the earth with a faint refulgence, as the glow of a good mans deeds shines for a while upon his little world after his sun has set, lighting the fainthearted travellers who follow on towards a fuller dawn. We stood and watched the lovely sight, whilst the stars grew pale before this chastened majesty, and felt out hearts lighted up in the presence of a beauty we could not realize, much less describe.
For a contemporary Young Adult novel which is a fast paced action-thriller, I don't think so, do you? That was why the editor said, Don't even go there.
My books, by their very nature, tend to be narrative led, the one I am writing now is all narrative, first person thoughts on his life, so there is no chance for me to divert into that kind of writing, fortunately. What I have done so far is 21,000 words of observations on a life.
Now we are working in an industry where every element has to conform to market requirements, and bite-sized info to compete against thousands of other books...
yes of course - for Young Adults, now I see it. Could you do an 'epic' edition just for Old Adults, do you think? But gosh, that Rider Haggard stuff is marvelous isn't it? (sorry an attack of nostalgia for a different writing era there) I think H-R-H was writing in Queen Victoria's time wasn't he, when Brits were empire building and everyone was gung ho for Blighty, God, England and St George! and all that.