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What's wrong with this?

Tiny NellTiny Nell
edited April 2014 in Writing
I've been editing a book all day, my brain's tired and my eyes are drooping.

I've just come across the following phrase and I feel there's something wrong with it.
What do you think? I can't think straight!

'He was sure he wouldn’t sleep tonight, he thought'

Comments

  • CarolCarol
    Don't think the 'he thought' is actually necessary with the rest.

    He's making a statement of fact 'he was sure he wouldn't sleep tonight.'
  • Phots MollPhots Moll
    If you're brain is tired and eyes are droopy you should probably take a break from editing now.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Yes, that's it, Carol.

    Yes, you're right, PM!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Oh, hang on, there's a bit more to the sentence which means I can't take away 'he thought':

    'He was sure he wouldn’t sleep tonight, he thought, as he climbed into his bed and switched off the lamp.'
  • ClaudiaClaudia
    Needs to be switched around maybe:

    As he climbed into his bed and switched off the lamp he was sure he wouldn't sleep tonight.
  • ana sana s

    With no expectation of sleep, he climbed into bed and switched off the lamp.
  • BetsieBetsie
    He climbed into bed knowing he wouldn't sleep and then switched off the lamp.
  • LizyLizy
    'I won't sleep tonight' he thought as he climbed into bed.

    Now it's time you did the same, TN, and you will sleep because we've solved your dilemma for you!
  • CarolCarol
    You obviously need a good night's sleep yourself, TN. :)

    Night night.
  • caseycasey
    You'll see more clearly in the morning - as will he. :-)
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Thanks, all.

    I'll go back to it today and look again with fresh eyes.

    :-B
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    Those are the words of a knackered brain, TN! I hope you've had a good night's sleep, I thought!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    ana, I have gone with your phrase.

    Thank you!
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Next question, should I change O.K. to Okay?
    It just looks a bit odd when followed by a comma: e.g. 'O.K.,' she said.
  • Mrs BearMrs Bear
    OK, no stops; it's an abbreviation for all correct (they couldn't spell) but the Oxford Style Manual gives it without stops. They also say no to ok or okay.
  • snailmalesnailmale
    I always use OK. OK? ~:>
  • ClaudiaClaudia
    OK, no stops; it's an abbreviation for all correct (they couldn't spell) but the Oxford Style Manual gives it without stops. They also say no to ok or okay.
    Eek -that's interesting - I generally write 'okay'. Now I discover it might not be not okay!

  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    Oh, right. Thanks, Mrs Bear and sm. I've just done a change all to 'okay' so I'll now to a change all to OK... OK?
  • LizyLizy
    edited April 2014
    Ok - as long as it's space.ok.space she advises from bitter experience.
    Otherwise you'll end up with boOK.
  • Tiny NellTiny Nell
    I replaced all okays with OKs and all my looks, tooks and books came out unscathed. Phew...
  • Stan2Stan2
    'The poor geezer certainly can't sleep after all these revisions' Stan thought.
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