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How to Murder People

edited June 2011 in - WM and WN
Inspired by this story - http://www.writers-online.co.uk/News/National_Crime_Writing_Week_-_WM_mini-comp_inspired_by_survey_on_how_to_murder_people/ - we're having a mini-competition. Post your most creative fictional murder method below...you bloodthirsty creative writers, you.
The editor will chose his favourite at the end of National Crime Writing Week and send them something random. The winner will be offered the opportunity (but won't be forced!) to write a short story involving the murder method, which we'll potentially publish on the website.
Have an inventive weekend.


  • Acid shampoo. You are in the shower, pour it on your hands then over your head. It reacts with the water in your wet hair causing the acid to burn through your skull.
  • Coat the pages of a book with poison. Reader licks finger, touches page, licks finger and repeats until overcome. Death follows shortly.
  • With FRESH apple juice including liquidised pips (4-8 ounces of pips contain enough cyanide to kill a human). :)
  • A pillow of some kind? If you apply to much pressure... Bang! Hid a bomb inside it. The only problem with this is if you wish to remove the bomb because target is sleeping somewhere else you might just die…
  • Laser in a webcam, set remotely.

    I think I'm enjoying this too much!
  • Hot summer day, handing out home-made frozen lollies.
    One has been shaped to a deadly point and is used as the murder weapon, then it melts, so it can't be traced.
  • A very fine knitting needle inserted in the ear - not much mess
  • Localised firework (catherine wheel, etc) is primed with a deadly nerve agent. The "smoke" cloud won't panic anyone until its too late!
  • edited June 2011
    Explosive in the 'U' bend of a toilet, triggerered by pressure of victims buttocks on toilet seat. Not one for the squeemish psychopath
  • serve up a dish of poison mushrooms
  • edited June 2011
    Kill some one in a conventional manner stabbing for instance, then chop them up into small portions , invite your friends to dinner and serve the victim up feed the remains to the dog , grind up the bones that are left and take them to a fast flowing river tip the powder in. Paint the skull bright red and put an electric light bulb in it use as a lamp. If you dare to leave this evidence around in plain sight, otherwise grind with other bones take teeth to the local tip. Stuff a cushion with any hair or kill a bald headed man then this will not be a problem. If victim has to much hair shave head of such victim and sell hair to a wig maker.
  • old needle from IVF treatment containing a small amount of poison from the poison dart frog - symptoms are very hard to trace (and the story is already written - he he :) )
  • Wound a fellow soldier just enough to lose blood but not die then swap dog tags with him. Carry him to a medic who'll read the info from the tag and he'll be given the wrong blood type which will kill him. This will not only mean you didn't kill him yourself so can't be tried, but you could also use it to fake your own death.
  • edited June 2011
    Take husband on a romantic picnic to the local pig farm. Dope the cucumber sandwiches (assuming they are not laced with the e coli bug) with sleeping pills procured from doctor - if the Doc won't give you a prescription sleep with him and then bribe him with secret images.

    Once husband is asleep push him into pig pen where the inhabitants will consume the evidence.

    It may be a good idea to take a walk whilst pigs are consuming hubby as they tend to be noisy when eating.
  • Plant a bomb in a bride's wedding dress. When's she in the church, blow her up along with everyone else inside! (Story already written)
  • Give a rat a sleeping drug and put it in rodent-phobic victim's car. Sleeping drug will wear off whilst victim is driving on motorway. Terror of large rodent running riot in the cab will cause driver to lose control of his/her car. Pity about the other innnocent motorists who'll be caught up in the carnage,but.....
  • Invite your victim to try a 'Discover Scuba' experience. When you're at a respectable depth underwater, turn off his air supply and swim away. If the victim doesn't drown first, he will burst his lungs as he holds his breath while trying to swim to the surface.
  • edited June 2011
    According to the Scissor Sisters song 'I Can't Decide' you could:

    give someone poison birthday cake
    throw them in a lake
    bury them alive

    warning there is bad language at the beginning of this song - tut tut!

  • YOUR MAGNIFICENT DEVIOUS BUNCH!! This is already my favourite thread ever.
    Keep em coming!
  • An overwound antique clock, which, when the back is removed to be repaired, explodes and small parts penetrate through the eye. (You can blame the programme about putting Petworth House to bed for the winter for that one).
  • I would say starvation but that's far to slow.

    I wrote about this one in my English coursework last year. A bomb in a mobile phone. Once your've told the guy you're coming to kill him, hang up. Once he presses hang up... Boom! Giant hole in the head!

    I got an A*. :-)
  • [quote=st force]Once he presses hang up[/quote]

    Thanks for that, stf - I needed to know (for my novel) what the current expression is for terminating a call on one's mobile phone. I presume you've got it right and this is legitimate street talk? If not and you made it up, please let me know.

    [quote=carlradley]then it melts, so it can't be traced[/quote]

    A variation on this, CarlR, was in a film I saw - ooh,must have been 40 years ago. It took the whole film for the guardians of the law to work out how the guy who died at the start of the first reel had been killed. He'd been shot with an ice bullet.

    What about another phone method? Get message to local Mafia boss that your hubby is propositioning his attractive young wife.
  • A camping trip to the Northern Territory in the far north. (sorry people, I AM in Australia!) You see to it that your victim drinks quite a bit and then you push his/her drunken form into the salt water river and let the crocs do the work for you. Body taken care of. You walk away innocent but 'extremely distraught', of course. The only evidence of foul play - IF they ever recovered any body parts - would be the indication of a high blood alcohol content but you've already agreed to the police that you were both intoxicated anyway.
  • Invite them round to your house then make them sit watch your holiday photo films while you drone on, and on, and on, and on.

    They'll either die of boredom or shoot themselves to get out of it. Whatever. Job done.
  • edited June 2011
    I'd opt for a small syringe full of something lethal injected into the buttocks of the victim while they're stood in front of me in a crowded lift.
    It would take just long enough to get into the bloodstream so I would have had time to get out of the lift and disappear before the victim died.
  • [quote=Carol]injected into the buttocks of the victim while they're stood in front of me [/quote]

    ... wondered where that was going for a minute Carol :) you saucy one, you ;)
  • Start a discussion thread like this on a forum where most members live in places with the death penalty. Kill people (your enemies obviously, as killing random strangers is a bad thing) using the methods they suggest and then frame the OPs for the murder.
  • eek

    "hides holiday photos up jumper"
  • Invite victim to take coffee with you and serve up polonium in the sugar bowl - oh sorry, that's been done hasn't it? Pick on a diabetic using self administered insulin; give them insulin overdose by adjusting controls on drug dosimeter. (wear gloves) When they fall into coma, use their hands to adjust controls back to original dose and high tail it out of area.

    Pick on someone with a severe allergy. Wait till they are asleep then place allergen as near as possible to them, and ensure that the epipen they carried has 'fallen' off the bedside table onto the floor and rolled under the bed - terrible shame! Go to bed after they have died and you have disposed of allergen in someone else's dustbin two or three streets away. Wake up next morning and discover their dead body. Distraught ring Police.

    Inject air into the bloodstream of someone through a site where a skin break will not be noticed - under a toenail, for instance - or make it look as if one has had to take a blood sample. would be particularly good if they were in hospital and had already had a blood sample taken and had a cannula in! alternatively inject a strong soultion of liquid paracetamol - at least 12 tablet's worth (6g)
  • Right. You lot are fine contenders for 'the dark side'! I'm shocked - never having ever written anything other than a loving romance myself. Oh no - that's not me after all. Bring it on!!
  • Invite victim to sumptuous Japanese feast. Feed them lots of Japanese delicacies. Sit back an watch them slowly start to become numb. Watch the horror on their faces as their body succumbs to paralysis. They dribble, and the gullet begins to clamp shut, throat squeezes out the air and slowly they suffocate, completely aware of what is going on and unable to stop it, they are completely corpus mentis. Finally the insides convulse, the heart becomes overworked, then starved and cardiac arrest sets in just as the lungs expand to capacity. Fugu (puffer fish) liver...the most dangerous thing you can eat. The most dangerous thing you can feed your unsuspecting victim. Yum.
  • "frame the OPs for the murder"

    A bit harsh on the OAPs, I thought. :)
  • Take your victim out for a drinking session. Go to the station to catch a train home. Say to the victim that you bet he can't pee on the rail ...
  • Red, that sounds gruesome, but combining your post with Lolli's, I'm afraid that's how it happened to a teenage cousin of mine: severe nut allergy, had one mouthful of a Chinese takeaway, and died half an hour later in the arms of his mother, a highly qualified nurse.
  • A nice new shiny lipgloss, expensive, irresistable - but something lethal has been added!
  • I wrote about something like that Betsie. The girl had taken small drops of poison, untill her body became immune to it. She then put it in her lipstick, starting kissing all the boys who died due to the poison. The kiss of death!

    Someone takes a lift to the top floor. When it reaches the top, no one is inside... The floor of the lift swings open causing the victim to fall to his/her death. If that doesn't kill 'em the lift being called back to the ground floor will! If the lift isn't called and the victim only fell a few floors no one will find them and at the very least they will die from starvation!
  • edited June 2011
    [quote=Lolli]Pick on a diabetic using self administered insulin[/quote]

    I'll keep an eye out for you sneaking up on me now Lolli!

    But just be careful they don't use their insulin against you in self defence (or was it self defence?) - it won't do non diabetics much good either.
  • edited June 2011
    Anyone fancy a rhubarb crumble - oops sorry was I meant to use the stalks not the leaves? Sorry.

    You know your victim loves cooking, particularly crumbles, you switch one of hers for one of yours and just sit back and wait, hopefully they will think it was an accident.
  • Build a treehouse. Have a sleepover. In the middle of the night, climb down and remove the ladder! They can jump to their death or stay up there and die!

    Make it look like they tried to kill you. For example if you could control their car have they drive past you and off a bridge!
  • Take up flying lessons then buy a plane and take your husband or wife on a trip push them out over the sea.
    Then a distance away crash the plane in the sea and say they are missing.
  • ask them to rescue your cat from the roof of a three storey house when they are just about to step onto the roof kick the ladder away they fall and break their neck dying instant. Of course it was an accident the ladder was not secured properly
    There was nothing you could do. The cat is safe of course
  • If you wanted to kill someone who has a weak heart.Go to the woods pick lots of Foxgloves, stew them up and use in some
    chocolate chip cookies. Feed to victim then when he/ she dies from massive heart attack it will be put down to natural causes.
  • I think those of us with diabetes should never visit Lolli- just in case she's in a mood to experiement...;)
  • Put powdered glass in his mashed potato. Just make sure you have set up a second plate with default mashed potato to put out before the ambulance gets there, and make sure the other plate is really well washed up.
  • [quote=paperbackwriter]Put powdered glass in his mashed potato.[/quote]

    I was going to say wouldn't he notice how crunchy it was, then remembered my last attempt at mashing spuds, and thought better of it. :)
  • If it's an old person you want to get rid of (let's have that inheritance now, eh?):

    1. Wait till it's Winter and really cold and snowy.
    2. Wait till night time. Make their cocoa. Let them drink it. (Context and setting looks better with the empty cup on the side table, next to the TV widger).
    3. Shove their precious cat/dog out at night and tell the old skinflint that Moggie/Pooch has gone missing.
    4. Go to the back door/patio doors with them to help them find the animal and then push them outside (DO NOT go outside yourself and leave footprints in the snow).
    5. Lock the door.
    6. Leave them to freeze to death and unlock the door before dawn.
    7. Go back to bed, follow normal morning routine, and 'discover' them at daylight.
    8. Ensure their medication for Alzheimer's is clearly on view somewhere.
  • [quote=paperbackwriter]Put powdered glass in his mashed potato[/quote]

    His? Anyone in the frame PBW?
  • [quote=dora]I was going to say wouldn't he notice how crunchy it was[/quote]
    I think the trick is to get the powdered glass down to a really fine grain - as in powder. That way it is less likely to be obvious when you eat it and more devastating to the intestines. I dunno...serve it with jug loads of gravy, crispy sausages, meat, yorkshire puds...whatever detracts from the potato itself.
  • :D [quote=snailmale]His? Anyone in the frame PBW? [/quote]

    Not anymore. He divorced me for being 'old and frumpy', so it's too late now. Still.... (as Shrek would say)
  • [quote=paperbackwriter]less likely to be obvious when you eat it [/quote]

    Make sure you don't!
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